Steve Jobs Snoozes, Apple Loses: It's Cause for Alarm

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone’s alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

“I totally overslept,” Jobs later told reporters. “I’ve got to say this is really embarrassing.”

Apple’s engineers have been working day and night to fix the problems with the iPhone’s alarm but so far have seen only limited success, according to Jobs: “We’ve gotten the alarm to go off, but for some reason it plays ‘Never Gonna Give You Up,’ by Rick Astley.”

Jobs, however, did offer a temporary fix to iPhone users whose alarms do not work: “For the time being, tape your iPhone to a working alarm clock.”

Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate

KAILUA, Hawaii — Leaders of the so-called Birther movement followed President Obama on his Hawaiian vacation today to demand that Hawaii prove it is actually a U.S. state.

Obama’s claim to American citizenship has rested on his birthplace being Hawaii, but the Birthers argued today that Hawaii’s claim to being part of America is far from a foregone conclusion. Speaking to reporters in Kailua, Birther leader Orly Taitz said that Hawaii couldn’t be considered part of the United States “unless it can produce an authentic statehood certificate.” Taitz said she did a thorough title search on the islands and has concluded that rather than being a U.S. state, “the islands of Hawaii appear to be colonies of Kenya.”

“That means that everyone born in Hawaii is legally not an American but a Kenyan,” she said, “which I find ironic.”

The Birthers’ contention that Hawaii is not a state promptly drew support from one leading Republican politician, former Gov. Sarah Palin.

“To be honest, it’s something I’ve always kind of wondered about,” Palin said. “Hawaii just isn’t an American-sounding name, like Alaska.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

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