Nuclear Two-Step

This might be a good time to try and explain George Bush’s Mideast nuclear policy, which to the untrained eye must seem trickier than doing calculus on a solar-powered calculator in the front seat of a high-speed roller coaster while wearing gloves, at night. As leader of the free world, he’s taken a monumental task upon himself to divide the world into two distinct and separate groups: those countries sober and sensible enough to handle the whole nuclear thing in the mature manner of a good democratic nation like the United States, and all those other fourth-rate, scorpion-infested hellholes that still allow barnyard animals to board airplanes.

And what of the borderline calls? You know, countries with a couple of low-rent, knockoff fast-food franchises whose streetcars still allow live chickens in the overhead compartment? Easy. The nations we like can have nuclear weapons. And the ones we don’t like — can’t. It’s that simple. And don’t give us any lip either. Or we’ll talk to some buddies of Warren Buffett and get your Burger Imam licenses revoked.

Being the sole member of the “We Made a Big Badda Boom” club burdens us with the authority to write the admissions policy for all guild applicants. Not a pretty job, but someone has to do it. And the more like us you are, the more likely we’ll let you have what you want. As long as what you want is what we want you to want. The less like us you are, the more likely your topographical features are of becoming a vast expanse of smooth, green glass.

Although we’ve had the bomb for over 60 years, we have proven ourselves to be totally reliable and trustworthy, having only used it on actual people twice. Sure, we’ve waved it around a couple of times, but if you can’t menace somebody with a nuclear bomb, what’s the use of squandering your children’s future to build it? George Bush is going the extra mile to make sure that every nuclear wannabe is as determined to pursue diplomatic answers to complex international problems as he is. And those who don’t like it might want to start sleeping in lead-lined pajamas.

Israel, Pakistan, India … sure, no problem, boys — load up. You can go thermonuclear. Because not only are you like us, you’re our friends. You invite us to your birthday parties. And give us ice cream. Your leaders wear suits which makes us comfortable. Syria, Iraq and Iran. No. I’m sorry. You wear funny clothes and you’re mean to us and never had us over to the house for cookies and milk, so no nukes for you. What it boils down to is: it’s not enough to be like us; you also have to actually … like us.

Besides, everybody knows the only reason the people who refuse to see the world the way that we see the world want nuclear weapons in the first place is to destroy the delicate balance of peace that exists today in the Mideast. That delicate balance of peace we’ve been so instrumental in fostering. Hence George Bush’s job: to keep bad people from accomplishing their stated goal of destabilizing the Mideast. In a way that is different than the Mideast is being destabilized now. Which is why he has to work so hard that it makes his head hurt. Mine too, come to think of it.

Will Durst is an actor, comic, writer and radio talk-show host who thinks Bush determining proper international conduct is scarier than a Rudy-Giuliani-in-drag compilation tape.

© 2007 Will Durst.