In Texas, History Isn't What It Used to Be

Satire by Andy BorowitzTexas Explains Decision on History Textbooks

AUSTIN, Texas — Attempting to explain its controversial decision to revamp its history textbooks, the Texas State Board of Education issued an official statement today. The one-sentence statement reads as follows: “If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected president, you’d throw out your history books, too.”

In other news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said it had been difficult to get Republicans to vote for health care because of a “tactical error” by President Barack Obama: “He should have called it ‘gun care.’ “

Elsewhere, employment numbers were up, largely due to the government’s decision to start counting people working on Farmville.

GQ Recalls New Issue After Rielle Hunter Photo Spread Causes Nausea

NEW YORK — In a move that many in the magazine world called unprecedented, GQ today recalled the entire print run of its new issue after a photo spread featuring John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, was found to cause nausea and in some cases projectile vomiting.

“We at GQ want our readers to know that we are doing everything in our power to avert a public health catastrophe,” said magazine spokesperson Carol Foyler. “And if that means tracking down every last copy of those Rielle Hunter pictures and destroying them, that’s what we’re going to do.”

As emergency rooms across the country overflowed with people who had unwittingly opened the latest GQ and seen the Hunter photos, fresh concerns were raised over the existence of a John Edwards-Rielle Hunter sex tape.

Rand Deckle, press spokesman for the National Institutes of Health, issued this statement on the matter: “Given the health crisis that the Rielle Hunter photos have created, it is imperative that every copy of that sex tape be secured and buried in the center of the Earth.”

Elsewhere, former Rep. Eric Massa today said he was unworried about a possible ethics investigation, telling reporters, “I welcome a probe, because it always feels good in the end.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

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