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Andy Borowitz: U.S. to Send One Troop to Iran

In an effort to punish the government of Iran for its nuclear ambitions, the Pentagon announced today that it was preparing to send one troop to Iran.

The troop, Private John R. Klugian, who is currently stationed at Fort Dix, could be deployed to Iran as early as next month, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon.

For Mr. Rumsfeld, who has been criticized for not sending sufficient troops to Iraq, the decision to send only one troop to Iran seemed guaranteed to create even more controversy.

But the defense secretary used the better part of his Pentagon press briefing to explain that sending one troop, in this case Private Klugian, was more than enough to quell Iran’s nuclear threat.

“In the Army’s recruitment ads, they talk about an ‘Army of One,'” Mr. Rumsfeld said. “In the case of Iran, we are taking that literally.”

With U.S. troop levels stretched thin in Iraq and Afghanistan, sending Pvt. Klujian to deal with Iran on his own may have been a necessity, military analysts believe.

But Secretary Rumsfeld denied that by sending only one troop to Iran he was fighting the war there “on the cheap.”

“I am fully prepared to send one additional troop to help with the reconstruction,” he said.

Mr. Rumsfeld said that he fully expected his latest military strategy to come under fire from his detractors, but he had stern words of warning for those who would criticize it: “I would ask them to support our troop.”

Elsewhere, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie begged paparazzi to stop stalking them with ultrasound equipment.

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Andy Borowitz
Contributing Columnist
Andy Borowitz is a political humorist, TV commentator, and the man behind the news parody website The Borowitz Report. Borowitz, a Cleveland native, created the smash TV comedy The Fresh Prince of Bel Air,…
Andy Borowitz

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