Fake news by Andy Borowitz

MOGADISHU, Somalia — In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing “unsafe working conditions.”

“If Carnival thinks that it’s going to be business as usual between them and the Somali pirates, they need to have their heads examined,” said Somali pirate spokesman Sugule. “We Somali pirates may be bold, but we’re not crazy.”

The pirate said that the recent fire that crippled the giant cruise ship Carnival Splendor “has sent a shiver through the pirate community.”

“We Somali pirates face enough risks without dealing with decks bursting into flames,” he said. “And don’t get me started on the nonfunctioning toilets.”

When asked if the Somali pirates might attempt to board Carnival ships in the future, he responded, “I am telling me hearties that if they were thinking of pillaging a Carnival ship of its booty over the holidays, they should make alternative plans.”

Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for Carnival Cruises, said that the company “would be working overtime to win back the pirates’ trust.” In the meantime, Foyler said, Carnival would be unveiling a new slogan in the weeks to come: “Come for the fun, stay for the raging inferno.”

Bush Publishes ‘I Can Has Prezidensy’

The Borowitz Report has obtained an advance copy of former President George W. Bush’s memoir, entitled “I Can Has Prezidensy.” Here are some highlights:

— The book contains a “Where’s Waldo?” foldout section with WMDs.

— Bush says the biggest disappointment of his eight years in office was learning there was no Santa Claus.

— The book’s appendix includes a series of connect-the-dot drawings Bush was unable to complete.

— Bush on the unfinished business of his presidency: “I never did learn how that neat story about the goat ended.”

— Bush’s memoir is a quick read, since 95 percent of it has been redacted by Dick Cheney.

— Six months after the book’s publication, there will be an English-language version.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

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