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Wolfowitz's Next Assignment

Andy Borowitz
Contributing Columnist
Andy Borowitz is a political humorist, TV commentator, and the man behind the news parody website The Borowitz Report. Borowitz, a Cleveland native, created the smash TV comedy The Fresh Prince of Bel Air,…
Andy Borowitz

In a bold move to undermine the international terror network, President George W. Bush today named former deputy defense secretary and World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz to be the new president of al-Qaida.

Mr. Wolfowitz, who has no experience running an international terror organization, struck many Washington insiders as an unlikely choice for the al-Qaida job.

But in a White House ceremony introducing his nominee for the top terror post, President Bush indicated that Mr. Wolfowitz’s role in planning the war in Iraq and bringing scandal to the World Bank showed that he was “just the man” to bring chaos and disorder to al-Qaida.

“I’ve seen Paul Wolfowitz in action,” said Mr. Bush, a beaming Mr. Wolfowitz at his side. “If anyone can mess up al-Qaida, it’s this guy.”

Several key details in the president’s plan still need to be worked out, such as how exactly Mr. Wolfowitz will infiltrate al-Qaida and rise to the top position in its ranks.

“Al-Qaida closely screens all of its top officers,” said Hassan El-Medfaii, head of the terror network’s human resources department. “It’s not like the Defense Department or the World Bank.”

Even if he ascends to its top post, it remains to be seen whether Mr. Wolfowitz will be happy at al-Qaida, according to Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the Wolfowitz Studies Department at the University of Minnesota.

“Al-Qaida is not like the World Bank,” Professor Logsdon said. “For one thing, it’s much harder to meet girls there.”

Elsewhere, former Creed lead singer Scott Stapp was released from jail, raising fears that he might start recording again.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2007 Creators Syndicate Inc.

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