Toyota Chief Overshoots Congressional Hearings by 150 Miles

Satire by Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The reputation of the Toyota Motors Corp. received another black eye today as the president of the embattled company missed his scheduled appearance at congressional hearings after he overshot Washington, D.C., by 150 miles.

Toyota President Akio Toyoda said he was having difficulties with the brakes on his 2010 Toyota Prius, which finally came to rest after crashing into a blacksmith’s shop in Colonial Williamsburg.

In a brief statement to reporters, Toyoda said, “I knew I should’ve driven my Chevy today.”

In yet another embarrassment, Toyoda, the grandson of the carmaker’s founder, realized for the first time that his family’s name is spelled differently from the company’s. Toyoda said that all members of the Toyoda family would be immediately recalled to fix the spelling error.

Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes; Douchebags Seek New Way to Compensate for Tiny Penises

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) — General Motors’ decision to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group that loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes.

Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises. Tracy Klugian, a Realtor in Tempe, Ariz., said he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, “but it just won’t say asshole like a Hummer does.”

Klugian, whose penis has been described as “microscopic,” also questioned the timing of GM’s decision. “Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota,” he said.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate