Andy Borowitz: Mel Gibson Acquires Nuclear Weapon

The elite club of nuclear powers gained a new member today as actor Mel Gibson conducted what he called a successful nuclear test in Malibu, Calif.

With all eyes on North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and his nuclear ambitions in recent days, the international community was stunned to learn that the controversial actor had been quietly developing a nuclear weapon of his own.

After digging a massive hole in the beach at Malibu and then detonating the nuclear device underground, Mr. Gibson held a press conference to say that he had initiated a nuclear program to guarantee his own security.

“There are a lot of people out to get me, and I think you know who they are,” Mr. Gibson said.

Moments after the actor’s announcement, the Malibu nuclear blast became the topic of heated debate in the United Nations, drawing strong words of condemnation from Danny Gillerman, Israel’s ambassador to the U.N.

“Iran getting a nuclear weapon was one thing, but this Mel Gibson business will not be tolerated,” he said.

Davis Logsdon, director of the Nuclear Proliferation Institute at the University of Minnesota, said that Mr. Gibson’s acquisition of a nuclear weapon casts “an ominous cloud” over the prospects for world peace.

“The fact that Mel Gibson now has a nuke is going to inspire other angry celebrities to acquire nukes of their own,” Mr. Logsdon said. “Is the world really prepared to see nuclear weapons in the hands of Starr Jones, or Liza Minnelli?”

Elsewhere, Jennifer Aniston says that she and Vince Vaughn have not broken up, according to a story published today in Yeah, Right magazine.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the recently published book “The Republican Playbook.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.