"We've tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls," said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. "Now it's time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best."
According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recognizing that Facebook put them all to shame.
"The American people have had years of watching Paula's judging expertise, and they know that she is fair," said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. "She's certainly fairer than Simon."
The pirate leader acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, "plus to get our share of the bailout money."
A Treasury Department spokesperson said that by performing community service as treasury secretary, Lloyd Blankfein will do less harm to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as chairman of Goldman.
According to a source close to Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, they have already drawn up a list of possible candidates for the additional two horsemen, a list which includes Limbaugh, Beck, Coulter and the entire Cheney family.
In what some are calling the boldest move of his presidency, Barack Obama broke with a time-honored tradition observed by several U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, by pronouncing the word nuclear as it appears in the dictionary.
Thousands of self-styled tea-baggers marched on the Capitol today to make the point that, in the words of one of their number, "Voting has no place in Congress."