In addition, Bachmann suggested slashing the federal budget by eliminating nine of the first 10 amendments to the Constitution. "I think you know which one I'd keep," she chuckled.
In a memo, House Speaker John Boehner explained, "From now on, we will say that he was born nearish America, and perhaps even as close as Cuba."
"Gasoline and matches don't start fires," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "People start fires." Mr. Beck went on to say that there was no link between "oxygen, hydrogen and water."
Also in this edition of the Borowitz Report: Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate.
The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant's legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.
Julian Assange said he came up with the idea for the new site while combing through hundreds of thousands of pages of WikiLeaks documents: "I realized that diplomats didn't have a way to reconnect with old colleagues so they could lie to them."