You Too Can Befriend a CEO!

Members of the angry and increasingly vocal American majority can now bring their grievances to the 1 percent more directly with Occupy the Board Room, an OWS-associated website that invites the rest of us to pursue “friendship” with 180 corporate board members and executives.

Hopeful correspondents have two choices for getting in touch. The “Pen Pal” option allows writers to submit text, photo or video directly to the desk of a 1-percenter, while the “BFF” option offers some more creative ways to make contact. Suggestions include “meeting them at a conference (e.g., an annual luncheon),” “interviewing them from afar (e.g., by posing as a right-wing talk-show host)” and “pursuing them to the ends of the earth (like Michael Moore).” The site’s authors are enthusiastic about this option and encourage participants to document and submit all of their attempts.

Letters, photographs and videos submitted are published on the site, and the best interactions win prizes. See a sample letter below. –Alexander Reed Kelly

Archander at Occupy the Board Room:

Hi John, it’s AA here, your pen pal from the 99%. John, have you run with any of the ideas I gave you for productively spending your idle hours? I hope so, because I wouldn’t want someone as creative and efficient and dynamic as yourself slopping around the mansion all weekend — that would drive the servants crazy! That dumpster one sounds sweet doesn’t it? Mind you, I don’t suppose that’s how you’ll smell if you’ve taken me up on it.

I’m a little concerned that our communications have been a little one-sided recently. I haven’t heard a peep from you, in fact. That doesn’t bother me at all, of course, I don’t need any encouragement to rattle on. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve been much too busy diverting funds in the direction of Goldman Sachs all week to have any time for a 99%er. I’m proud to have such an important friend in fact, so it’s no worry at all if you don’t feel you can reply to any of my missives. Are you a churchgoer, John? I think it would be a good idea — you know, to help redress the balance after a week worshiping at the temple of mammon. I’d go to two services on a Sunday if I were you, and maybe go to confession as well, just to be safe. You can’t take your money to hell!

I’ve been doing some thinking about how we can meet and I’ve come up with a few ideas I’d like to run by you (that’s not a suggestion for how we meet, by the way, just a figure of speech!). Tomorrow, I’ll send you them — keep the coffee-pot warmed!

Archander

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