When It Rains It Pours
Satirist Andy Borowitz riffs on the news networks' ratings-oriented weather obsession.
Executives at CNN warned today that severe weather alerts have been on the rise during February sweeps and are expected to reach an all-time high before the all-important ratings-grabbing period is over.
At a CNN press briefing at the company’s headquarters in Atlanta, Ga., network spokesman Tracy Klujian said that severe weather alerts during this sweeps period were up 9,000 percent over normal, non-sweeps months, adding that the alerts could interrupt CNN programming “at any time, without warning” until February sweeps ends.
“We owe it to our viewers to warn them that as bad as the severe weather alerts have been so far this February, even more disruptive alerts are on their way,” Mr. Klujian said.
According to professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Meteorology, the sharp increase in severe weather alerts may be the result of a phenomenon called “network executive climate change.”
“Cable news networks such as CNN have been experiencing a gradual cooling of their ratings,” Logsdon said. “Then February sweeps comes along, creating a front of high pressure on their executives.”
In Atlanta, CNN’s Klujian said that there was a “90 percent chance” that Anderson Cooper would be pelted with rain at some point during the February sweeps month.
“Before sweeps is over, Anderson Cooper’s hair will be soaked up and down the Eastern seaboard,” he said. “We want our viewers to be prepared for that.”
Elsewhere, NASA said that it was taking several steps to prevent future cross-country stalking incidents, such as locking up the space diapers.
Copyright 2007 Creators Syndicate
Your support is crucial...As we navigate an uncertain 2025, with a new administration questioning press freedoms, the risks are clear: our ability to report freely is under threat.
Your tax-deductible donation enables us to dig deeper, delivering fearless investigative reporting and analysis that exposes the reality beneath the headlines — without compromise.
Now is the time to take action. Stand with our courageous journalists. Donate today to protect a free press, uphold democracy and uncover the stories that need to be told.
In a new interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper, the Vermont senator sounds off on his 2020 opponent's efforts to cut Social Security.
A ProPublica investigation exposing officials' hateful activity on social media triggers outrage from lawmakers and the public alike.
In a new interview with Anderson Cooper, the congresswoman acknowledges, "we've lost too much of who we're supposed to be and who we are."
For much of the 20th century, top earners had been taxed at even higher rates than what the lawmaker has proposed.
Cable news networks like MSNBC and CNN present analysts as credible and almost heroic—as long as they criticize the despicable man in the White House.
You need to be a supporter to comment.
There are currently no responses to this article.
Be the first to respond.