U.S. Orders Diplomats to Stop Telling Truth

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON — In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice.”

“We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don’t happen again,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters. “But until we’ve got the leaks plugged, it’s incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps.”

Clinton noted that since many U.S. diplomats are major political donors with long careers in the business world, “this shouldn’t be a reach for them.” But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of “truth avoidance seminars,” led by executives of Goldman Sachs.

Additionally, Clinton said, the State Department would install on all diplomats’ computers new software called CandorShield™, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version. For example, she explained, the software would translate the phrase “two-faced weasels” into “trusted Pakistani allies” and would delete all references to French President Nicolas Sarkozy as “Monsieur Shorty Pants.”

Elsewhere, Interpol issued this statement about its pursuit of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange: “We will find Julian Assange, and then we will hire him.”

U.S. Transfers Airport Security From TSA to TMZ

WASHINGTON — Amid growing public outrage over the conduct of airport security in the U.S., the Department of Homeland Security today transferred all responsibility for screening passengers from the TSA to TMZ, the popular celebrity gossip website.

In announcing the change, Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano said, “We believe that TMZ can do the same job that TSA did, but they’ll be less invasive and more respectful.”

Effective immediately, TSA personnel will be replaced at the nation’s airports by camera-wielding TMZ paparazzi who will attempt to take the most revealing photos of passengers possible. Additionally, TMZ said it would expand the so-called Homeland Security “watch list” to include such celebrities as Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson.

“For years, TMZ cameras have been trained on celebrities’ underpants, whether they’re wearing them or not,” said TMZ founder Harvey Levin. “This should be just like another day at the office for us.” Levin said that he hoped the airport assignment could lead to a larger national security role for TMZ: “If we used the same energy we put into spotting Jake Gyllenhaal with Taylor Swift, we’d have bin Laden by now.”

In other national security news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called WikiLeaks “the most serious invasion of privacy since Facebook.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate