Somali Pirates Say They Are Subsidiary of Goldman Sachs
Fake news by Andy BorowitzNORFOLK, Va. — Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.
There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein.” The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in doubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.
“We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said. The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”
In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law. “There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said. “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied.”
Goldman to Employ ‘Douchebag Defense’
NEW YORK — In the event of a criminal case against the banking giant, Goldman Sachs is planning to employ a rarely used legal strategy known as the “douchebag defense,” sources confirmed today.
Davis Logsdon, dean of the University of Minnesota School of Law, summarized the unorthodox strategy: “Basically, they will be arguing that the Goldman executives had no control over their actions because they are ginormous dicks.”
“Exhibit A” if the bank decides to go forward with the douchebag defense will be Goldman banker Fabrice “Fabulous Fab” Tourre. “I think the government would have a hard time arguing that he was not an egregious douche,” Logsdon said.
In order to establish Tourre’s douchebag bona fides, Goldman’s lawyers would most likely offer up his e-mails, his Facebook profile and several of his ex-girlfriends. Jury selection could also be key to the success of Goldman’s douchebag defense strategy. “Goldman’s dream jury would be made up of 12 angry dickwads,” Logsdon said. “In New York, that shouldn’t be hard to find.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2010 Creators Syndicate