Old Habits Die Hard

Appearing on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday, consumer activist Ralph Nader told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election.

Mr. Nader had been huddling with prominent crackpots over the weekend to determine whether he had enough support among his natural constituency of self-absorbed whack jobs to mount an entirely meaningless campaign.

“If I wreck the 2008 election, I intend to wreck it in all 50 states,” Mr. Nader told Mr. Russert. “I have no intention of being merely a regional spoiler.”

When asked if his candidacy could hurt the chances of the first African-American nominee for president, Mr. Nader put his fingers in his ears and replied, “La-la-la-la-la-la. I can’t hear you.”

But across the country, significant numbers of crackpots who have supported Mr. Nader in the past appeared to be cool to his latest bid to ruin a presidential election. “If I’m going to waste my vote, I want to be sure I’m wasting it on the right wingnut,” said longtime crackpot Stacy Klujian, who has supported Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, in his 2008 campaign. “It is time for Ralph Nader to step aside for a new generation of bananaheads.”

For his part, Mr. Nader said that he had already begun preparing for his run as a spoiler by sneaking up behind people who were watching “No Country for Old Men” and telling them how it ended. “It wasn’t as challenging as ruining an entire election, but it was fun,” he said.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2008 Creators Syndicate Inc.