New Worries for the Vacationer in Chief

Editor’s Note: As the crisis in the Middle East takes on graver proportions by the day, George W. Bush is gearing up for yet another retreat to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Satirist Andy Borowitz reports that the Vacationer in Chief is determined to have fun, or “Hezbollah will have hell to pay.”

The widening crisis in the Middle East took on graver proportions today when President George W. Bush indicated that if the hostilities continue, they could threaten his traditional August vacation at his Crawford, Texas, ranch.

At a press briefing at the White House, the president said that if Hezbollah continued its rocket attacks on Israel, he would see those attacks as “an assault on my vacation itself.”

“Throughout the civilized world, my summer vacation has been considered sacrosanct,” Mr. Bush told reporters. “The time has come for Hezbollah to recognize my vacation’s right to exist.”

If Mr. Bush seemed testier than usual at the White House briefing, perhaps it was because he has recently suspected that there is a global conspiracy to spoil his downtime, starting with North Korean President Kim Jong-Il’s decision to launch six test missiles on the Fourth of July.

“No one wrecks my vacations,” Mr. Bush said with steely resolve. “Not on my watch.”

While the president has been concerned about the escalating crisis in the Middle East, he has reportedly been even more troubled by the situation on his ranch, where clumps of brush have been growing out of control all summer.

Mr. Bush has set a firm Aug. 1 deadline for returning to his ranch to deal with the brush, and he said today that he expects Hezbollah to abide by that deadline.

“If Aug. 1 comes and goes and I am not clearing that brush, Hezbollah will have hell to pay,” Mr. Bush said.

Elsewhere, actress Pamela Anderson and singer Kid Rock have announced plans to marry, according to the Centers for Disease Control. Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website, www.creators.com. Copyright 2006 Creators Syndicate“