Molly Ivins: Osama Hearts Lamont

If you listen to Dick Cheney, Bin Laden & Co. were staying up late to hear the Lamont-Lieberman election returns from Darien, Conn.

AUSTIN, Texas — The most cunning refinement yet in the administration’s plot to scare the liver, lights and onions out of us with Tales of Terror Plots is the Department of Homeland Security’s brilliant move to declare Indiana the national center of terrorism, with 8,591 potential targets. Many citizens have questioned the Indiana move — some claiming it is a waste of money trying to stop attacks on the Wabash Cannonball. The Statue of Liberty and the Washington Monument might merit a little more attention. This is precisely why it is better to have Michael Chertoff and Karl Rove making these Homeland Security decisions, rather than Osama bin Laden.

The defeat of Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman in the Democratic primary alerted Veep Dick Cheney to the menace. Ned Lamont, the guy who beat Lieberman, said he was surprised that Cheney claimed his victory would embolden Osama bin, as we call him Texas.

“My God, here we have a terrorist threat against hearth and home, and the very first thing that comes out of their mind is how we can turn this to partisan advantage,” complained Lamont. Lieberman warned that Lamont’s call for a phased withdrawal of troops from Iraq would be “taken as a tremendous victory” by the terrorists. Cheney said it would encourage “the Al Qaeda types” who want to “break the will of the American people in terms of our ability to stay in the fight and complete the task.”

Wow. How little we realized that the fate of a single senator — especially such a whiny and sanctimonious one — meant everything to Osama bin. Must’ve pulled off his turban and danced around his cave when he got the news. The whole Al Qaeda bunch stayed up just to hear the late returns from Darien, Conn.

Give President Bush another five years or so and he’s bound to figure out that Osama bin is not in Iraq — then we’ll be right on his tail.

Meanwhile, back in Washington, The Hill newspaper reports that an Enron lobbyist (former aide to Joe Lieberman and money-raiser for him and convicted Republican Connecticut Gov. John Rowland, whom he describes as being “like-minded guys”) is demanding that Democratic senators not campaign against Lieberman. When asking other professional influence-peddlers to contribute, he tells them to come back for Lieberman, saying, “Who knows what Lamont would be like?”

For example, Lamont might use his power to make sure the Enron investigation gets serious — a task that Lieberman, ranking Democrat on the Government Affairs Committee, has avoided. No surprise that the lobbyists and insiders want to keep their guy.

In other news, we have the answer to a troubling part of the Middle East jigsaw puzzle: how to rebuild Iraq. We ought to drop Halliburton like a skillet full of rattlesnakes and get Hezbollah on the job. Did you ever see a better rebuilding bunch than this Hezbollah? The shooting hadn’t even stopped yet when the “Army of God” was hustling around with plywood and duct tape, putting everything back together. And who do they get to pay for it all but the Arabs. Now that’s what I call rebuilding!

To find out more about Molly Ivins and see works by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website, www.creators.com.