Jon Stewart Mocks State Attempts to Secede From U.S.

Jon Stewart has a message for those who signed petitions on the White House’s “We The People” site, courtesy of one William Wonka: “Stop. Don’t. Come back.” That’s right. If you want to leave the U.S., “The Daily Show” host isn’t going to do anything to stop you.

“At least now I’m beginning to understand why Southern states were always so hesitant to get rid of the Confederate flag,” he said. “It’s like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. You’re happy for now with the new you, but you’re pretty sure you’re gonna need those pants again.”

Stewart also took issue with the CEOs who threatened to lay off employees (and in some cases, made good on that threat), stopped hiring workers and reduced employee hours after President Obama’s re-election last week. In particular, Stewart took umbrage with Papa John Pizza’s CEO John Schnatter, who said he would have to cut worker hours because of Obamacare costs. Stewart had a better idea where Schnatter could find the money — stop giving away 2 million pizzas as part of an NFL promotion.

— Posted by Tracy Bloom.