Hawking: Aliens ‘No Longer Interested’ in Invading Earth
Fake news by Andy Borowitz
LONDON — Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are “no longer interested” in invading Earth.
“Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they’ve probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said.
Speaking at a conference of the International Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Hawking added, “Most extraterrestrials would want to come to Earth to destroy it, and let’s face it, this planet has been pretty much pre-destroyed.” Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroying their own planet, Hawking said, “If they showed up now and took a look around, they’d be like, ‘Oops, too late.’ “
The physicist said the rocket fuel that aliens would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was significant, “and you don’t spend that kind of money to invade a shithole.”
In recognition of his role in deterring an alien invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP. In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be working tirelessly this week to study the impact of the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of France.
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2010 Creators SyndicateWait, before you go…
If you're reading this, you probably already know that non-profit, independent journalism is under threat worldwide. Independent news sites are overshadowed by larger heavily funded mainstream media that inundate us with hype and noise that barely scratch the surface. We believe that our readers deserve to know the full story. Truthdig writers bravely dig beneath the headlines to give you thought-provoking, investigative reporting and analysis that tells you what’s really happening and who’s rolling up their sleeves to do something about it.
Like you, we believe a well-informed public that doesn’t have blind faith in the status quo can help change the world. Your contribution of as little as $5 monthly or $35 annually will make you a groundbreaking member and lays the foundation of our work.Support Truthdig