Goldman’s Massive Bonuses ‘Totally Deserved,’ Says Satan
The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant's legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.Fake news by Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK — The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant’s legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.
In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended Goldman’s bonuses today, welcoming reporters at his apartment in New York’s Trump Tower. “I don’t doubt for a minute that my friends at Goldman deserved those bonuses,” Satan said, adding that “buying their souls was the best investment I ever made.”
“It really is the gift that keeps on giving,” he chuckled.
The Evil One said that the bloated Goldman bonuses were “just the cherry on top” of what has been “one of my best years ever.”
“From Mel Gibson to Tony Hayward to the gang at Goldman, 2010 has had more than its share of heroes,” he said. “I salute them all.” Satan added that his banner year was even going out with a bang: “Just when I thought this year couldn’t get any better, this weekend I saw Yogi Bear.”
The Lord of Misrule said he was looking forward to the holiday season, a time when some of “the greatest evil against humanity” is perpetrated: “Every time someone puts on a Christmas sweater, I give myself a high five.”
Elsewhere, President Obama praised the New York Giants for compromising with the Philadelphia Eagles.
In Controversial Decision, Time Magazine Calls Mark Zuckerberg a Person
The editors of Time ignited a firestorm of controversy today by being the first people ever to call Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg a person.
The decision to call the robot-like Internet titan a person raised eyebrows from Silicon Valley to Wall Street, forcing Time spokesperson Carol Foyler to acknowledge, “This wasn’t an easy call.”
Just hours after Time published its issue designating Zuckerberg a person, a protest group of more than ten thousand people who had been screwed over by Zuckerberg marched on the magazine’s Manhattan offices, led by twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, made famous in the movie “The Social Network.”
“If Mark Zuckerberg is a person, then we’re the Jonas Brothers,” said the Winklevi.
Elsewhere, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said he wasn’t surprised that filmmaker Michael Moore posted bail for him: “I recognized his MasterCard number.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is the author of “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2010 Creators Syndicate
WAIT BEFORE YOU GO...This year, the ground feels uncertain — facts are buried and those in power are working to keep them hidden. Now more than ever, independent journalism must go beneath the surface.
At Truthdig, we don’t just report what's happening — we investigate how and why. We follow the threads others leave behind and uncover the forces shaping our future.
Your tax-deductible donation fuels journalism that asks harder questions and digs where others won’t.
Don’t settle for surface-level coverage.
Unearth what matters. Help dig deeper.
Donate now.
You need to be a supporter to comment.
There are currently no responses to this article.
Be the first to respond.