Glenn Beck is pushing it, as are Laura Ingraham and Bill O’Reilly. Nothing shores you up better for the coming Obamapocalypse than gold, that familiar, shiny and dependable element that calls to you, as Stephen Colbert points out, from the periodic table. Or if you don’t have gold, try women — or sheep, as an actor some of you may recognize points out in Colbert’s faux-mercial. –KA

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