Andy Borowitz: Rosie-Trump Feud Advances Doomsday Clock

The ongoing feud between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump could have deadly consequences for the world if either obtained nuclear weapons, a group of leading nuclear scientists announced today.

The Chicago-based Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, founded in 1945 as a publication by nuclear physicists worried about the possibility of nuclear war, expressed their concern about the Rosie-Trump brouhaha by moving the fabled Doomsday Clock forward to three minutes to zero.

The scientists’ announcement left little doubt that they see the brutal smackdown between Mr. Trump and Ms. O’Donnell as the most likely harbinger of Armageddon.

“Clearly, if either Rosie O’Donnell or Donald Trump obtained nuclear weapons, the world would be burnt to a crisp,” said Stephen Hawking, the famed cosmologist and mathematician. “We haven’t been so concerned since fighting broke out between Liza Minnelli and David Gest.”

While the scientists offered no solutions to their downbeat scenario, such as economic sanctions against Mr. Trump or a naval embargo against Ms. O’Donnell, it was their hope that by moving the Doomsday Clock to three minutes to midnight they would catch the attention of world leaders.

But according to the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who studies nuclear proliferation among unhinged celebrities, the scientists’ assessment of the threat posed by the Rosie-Trump dust-up may be overdone.

“It’s not as if Naomi Campbell got hold of a nuke and threw it at the world,” he said.

Elsewhere, women are more likely to binge-drink in their 20s but curb the habit by the time they reach 40, according to a study published today in the Journal of Lindsay Lohan.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Copyright 2007 Creators Syndicate