The question “What does Kim Jong-Il really want?” was definitively answered today when the mercurial North Korean dictator offered to abandon his nuclear weapons program in exchange for the role of the villain in the new James Bond film.

In a press conference in Pyongyang, Mr. Kim said he was prepared to dismantle his entire nuclear program for the chance to play a Bond villain, calling the part “the role of a lifetime.”

“I have been preparing for this role every day of my life,” Mr. Kim said.

In Washington, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reacted to the news that Mr. Kim’s bizarre tenure as president of North Korea has been nothing but a Method actor’s preparation for a coveted role.

“The strange pronouncements, the weird haircut, the crazy glasses — it all starts to make sense,” she said.

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene, shifting from being an evil madman bent on world destruction to playing one in a James Bond film could be a brilliant career move for the North Korean dictator.

“Given the longevity of the Bond series, an evil madman could actually stay in power longer in those films than in real life,” Mr. Schlantz said. “Besides, on a film set, Kim Jong-Il can get something that’s almost impossible to find in North Korea — food.”

Elsewhere, doctors debated whether it was their duty to label a child obese, some arguing that it was a job better left to the child’s siblings.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website,

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