Andy Borowitz: Kerry Sets Firm Timetable For Making His Mind Up About War

In a speech to the United States Senate today, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) made his strongest policy statement to date about the war in Iraq, saying that he had set a firm timetable for making up his mind about the conflict.

“I will make up my mind about Iraq, once and for all, by the end of this year, and not one day later,” a resolute Sen. Kerry told his colleagues. “June 2007 at the very latest.”

After initially voting for the war in 2003, then arguing for finishing the job in Iraq in 2004, and then calling for a complete troop withdrawal in recent days, Mr. Kerry may have difficulty convincing skeptics that he will stick to his timetable of making up his mind by the end of 2006.

But according to one Democratic operative, Sen. Kerry’s recent flip-flopping on the war may be a sign that he is tuning up for another presidential run in 2008: “He wants to be in full flip-flopping form in time for the Iowa caucuses.”

Sen. Kerry’s words may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, however, where President Bush vowed to remain in Iraq “until we have determined why we are there.”

“Pulling out now would send the message that we actually know the reason we are in Iraq,” Mr. Bush said. “We will stay there until we know that reason, and if that means forever, so be it.”

Elsewhere, in her latest act of philanthropy toward those less fortunate than herself, Angelina Jolie offered to adopt Jennifer Aniston.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website, www.creators.com.