Andy Borowitz: Gore Could Cause ‘Global Boring’

The election of former Vice President Al Gore to the White House could result in a disastrous phenomenon called “global boring,” in which millions of people around the world would fall asleep in an unprecedented narcoleptic pandemic.

That is the message of a new documentary about the 2000 Democratic Party standard-bearer that has been produced and narrated by Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and is being released in selected cities today.

The documentary, titled “An Incoherent Truth,” collects moments from some of Mr. Gore’s most mind-numbing speeches to make a persuasive case that a Gore presidency would set off a doomsday scenario of global tedium.

Speaking at the film’s premiere in New York, Sen. Clinton said that while the film “is not for the squeamish,” it is a cautionary tale “that every American should see, if they can stand to sit through it.”

Insisting that global boring is not a made-up phenomenon but one that is based in scientific fact, Sen. Clinton said that a Gore presidency “would unleash a force of boredom equal to a thousand ‘Da Vinci Codes.’ “

In his home state of Tennessee, Mr. Gore attempted to discredit the concept of global boring by giving a three-hour speech on the subject. But at the conclusion of Mr. Gore’s address, which was complete with slides, video and PowerPoint demonstrations, there were mixed reviews for his performance.

“I would like to say that Al made his case,” one Gore aide said, “but after 10 minutes, I found myself losing consciousness.”

Elsewhere, NASA launched a new weather satellite in order to give the White House earlier and more accurate hurricane warnings to ignore.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.