Andy Borowitz: Electronic Voting Machine Slays Nine

The state of Florida was on high alert today as an electronic voting machine that was being tested in advance of next Tuesday’s midterm election went berserk and killed nine in a terrifying rampage.

The rogue machine, which Florida officials said was state of the art in touchscreen technology, was undergoing a routine test in Tallahassee when election workers observed that it was “behaving strangely.”

After a worker conducting the test touched the machine’s screen to register a vote for Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson, the machine registered 20,000 votes for his Republican challenger, Katherine Harris, and then started spewing smoke and sparks.

As election workers ran for cover, the voting machine became unmoored from the floor and began trampling everyone and everything in its path.

“It was freaky,” said election worker Carol Foyler. “It was almost like the machine was mad that someone tried to vote for a Democrat.”

The touchscreen terror then cut a swath of death and destruction across the state, despite attempts by the Florida state police to apprehend it.

Gov. Jeb Bush appeared on television later in the day to urge calm, telling citizens, “Clearly, Florida’s electronic voting machines are still very much a work in progress.”

At the White House, spokesman Tony Snow did not directly address the issue of the voting machine’s deadly rampage, choosing instead to make general remarks about the electoral process.

“This administration remains steadfast in its support of free and fair elections,” he said, adding, “in Iraq.”

Elsewhere, in recognition of his invaluable contribution to the fall election campaign, President Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass).

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Republican Playbook.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.