Andy Borowitz: Best Medicine for Flu Is a Dose of Blame

In an effort to show the American people that it is prepared for any potential outbreak of bird flu, the White House today unveiled a detailed strategy showing whom it would blame in the event of such a national disaster.

The 432-page document, released to reporters during a noontime White House briefing, was the product of months of preparation, White House spokesman Tony Snow said, and demonstrated the White House’s determination to “hit the ground running” in the blame game.

“We learned the lessons of Hurricane Katrina,” Mr. Snow said. “Disaster hit, and we were unprepared to blame others for it — but not this time.”

According to the plans drawn up by the White House, in the event of a bird flu pandemic, state and local governments would be blamed first.

“Within hours of the first sign of an outbreak, we will be rushing to Fox News to get the word out that state and local governments have dropped the ball,” Mr. Snow said. “Our reaction time is going to be superb.”

Once state and local governments have been successfully blamed, Mr. Snow said, the White House will ensure that others, such as congressional Democrats and illegal immigrants, are blamed as well.

Finally, Mr. Snow said, a detailed plan is in place to blame the birds themselves: “If those birds think they’re going to get away with this, they’re wrong — we are prepared.”

Elsewhere, one day after Mexican President Vicente Fox backed away from signing a drug decriminalization bill, supermodel Kate Moss abruptly canceled a trip to Mexico.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.