Americans to Lose One Hour to Daylight Saving and the Rest to Facebook, Twitter

Satire by Andy BorowitzMINNEAPOLIS — For the first time since the time shift was instituted, Americans will lose one hour to daylight saving and the rest of the weekend to Facebook and Twitter, experts say.

Due to the extraordinary amount of time the average American spends on the two popular social networking sites, he or she is expected to waste 48 hours this weekend out of a possible 47.

Professor Davis Logsdon, who studies time management at the University of Minnesota, recommends that people turn to multitasking to compensate for having wasted more time than actually exists: “For example, you may want to shave your bikini area while driving.”

Colleagues Praise Massa for Reaching Around the Aisle

WASHINGTON — Providing some pushback to the criticism he has suffered over the past week, colleagues of former Rep. Eric Massa, D-N.Y., praised him today, with one Republican staffer saying, “Congressman Massa was always eager to reach around the aisle.”

Tracy Klugian, the GOP congressional aide who offered that defense, said that Massa “could always be counted on to grope for solutions.” Klugian described Massa as a tireless worker: “He might be taking a shower with his staff, but he was still keeping an eye on things the whole time.”

As for his legislative style, Klugian said, “No matter how ticklish the fight became, Eric was always very hands-on. He would grab a problem by the balls and not let go.”

In a related story, the Bureau of Labor Statistics said the number of Americans making cheap jokes about Massa rose to 48.5 million this week. “I think the country’s new obsession with Massa is a very positive development,” said golfer Tiger Woods.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate