A Brief Survey of the Mystifying Advertisements on Glenn Beck’s Website

What are we to make of the Obamalyptic images and messages sounding the alarm, in the form of click-through advertisements, on Glenn Beck’s website? And exactly what, pray tell, is “food insurance”?

In short, the end is near, so you’d best get your “crisis garden” ready, judging by these rather unusual ads we noticed during a rare perusal of GlennBeck.com on Thursday. Let’s review.

First, our attention was grabbed by the bleak spectacle of abandoned power lines looming in a landscape that chillingly evokes themes of dystopic ruination, thus achieving an eerie scenic effect worthy of a Cormac McCarthy novel. Or something. But in the foreground, a beacon of hope — yes, it’s a backup power generator, a key ingredient in any Obamamergency readiness kit. Observe:

Reeling from this unsettling phantasm of an underlit doom, we were driven to refresh the page and were momentarily reassured by the smiling visage of an older gentleman, probably around the average age of Beck’s target demographic, hard at work in his — oh no — his “crisis garden”!

We were then sufficiently alarmed to pursue the click-through option in hopes of answering this timely question:

Consulting an information page on the food insurance site provided this helpful suggestion: “If you think about it, food and water are vital to our survival.” True! And you can spend your tax return on a $199 two-week adult survival kit, just in case the world “goes to heck in a handbasket,” as Beck puts it in this enlightening video.

Returning in a full-blown panic to Beck’s site, we felt truly up the creek without a pre-packaged lasagna meal, wondering what, if anything, was solid, stable and … shiny enough to lean on in the hardest of times. Oh, right:

Gold! From Goldline!

That solves that issue. Or, barring any major government takeovers and/or the forced revocation of our Second Amendment rights, we could maybe just go ahead and find a job.

There you have it — the stark Beckian vision of our imminent future as a nation. We peeked so you don’t have to. –KA

All screen shots are from glennbeck.com.