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December 19, 2014
Truthdig: Drilling Beneath the Headlines
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Tag: Borowitz

Hillary’s Unassailable Strategy

In a strategic masterstroke to avoid missteps, Clinton will spend the rest of her campaign encased in a soundproof glass box.

Posted on Nov 4, 2007 READ MORE


Sen. Clinton Beefs Up the Competition

In a sign of confidence befitting her status as front-runner, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has begun airing what her aides call “extremely vicious attack ads about herself.”

Posted on Oct 7, 2007 READ MORE


The Global War on Toddlerism

Fresh on the heels of its reality show “Kid Nation,” in which children are sent to perform hard labor on a ranch with no adult supervision, CBS announced today that it is readying a reality show in which children will be sent to the federal detention camp at Guantanamo.

Posted on Sep 30, 2007 READ MORE


Thompson Quits to Spend More Time With His Nap

The satirist jokes that Fred Thompson, exhausted by the rigors of his weeklong campaign for the Oval Office, has called it quits.

Posted on Sep 15, 2007 READ MORE


Down to Their Last Billion

The satirist reports that, desperate to protect their endangered fortunes, thousands of the nation’s leading hedge-fund managers converged on Washington today in “The Million Mercedes March.”

Posted on Sep 9, 2007 READ MORE


Domestic Surveillance Begins at Home

The satirist writes that just-resigned Attorney General Alberto Gonzales’ motivation is that he wants to spend more time eavesdropping on his family.

Posted on Sep 2, 2007 READ MORE


Put an Asterisk Next to Rove’s Name

The satirist opines that the Bush adviser had some help from steroids in setting records as a divider and dirty trickster.

Posted on Aug 26, 2007 READ MORE


What’s This? Scooter McCain?

The satirist writes that, in what some political observers are calling an ominous sign for his cash-starved White House bid, Republican presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., today posted his campaign bus, The Straight Talk Express, on the Internet auction site eBay.

Posted on Aug 5, 2007 READ MORE


Cheney: What I Did on My Summer Vacation

The satirist reports that Vice President Dick Cheney, having briefly assumed Bush’s duties while the president underwent a routine colon procedure June 21, told reporters the next day that he “enjoyed the downtime immensely.”

Posted on Jul 29, 2007 READ MORE


Scooter’s Deal Is the American Dream

This satirical report says millions of immigrants are seeking an amnesty deal like the one given to the man they revere as “El Libbre.” Who knew Libby would become the hero of America’s undocumented worker population?

Posted on Jul 14, 2007 READ MORE


Satire: Cheney Hides in Plain Sight

In a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument.

Posted on Jul 7, 2007 READ MORE


Satire: Congress Hires Illegals to Write Immigration Bill

Congress will form a “guest congressman” program so illegal immigrants can do the work they’d rather not: reform immigration.

Posted on Jun 17, 2007 READ MORE


Satire: Hillary Tries to Fatten Up the Competition

In a move that raised eyebrows among observers of the 2008 campaign for the Democratic nomination for president, Sen. Hillary Clinton today sent former Vice President Al Gore a gift basket laden with high-calorie treats.

Posted on Jun 2, 2007 READ MORE


Wolfowitz’s Next Assignment

The satirist jokes that George W. Bush, recognizing Paul Wolfowitz’s uncanny ability to blow it, has decided to appoint the former Iraq war salesman and World Bank scandal magnet as the president of al-Qaida.

Posted on May 27, 2007 READ MORE


Shades of White

The satirist pokes fun at the Republican candidates who are competing for that often-neglected voting bloc—the white male.

Posted on May 19, 2007 READ MORE


Buck Up, Wolfie: There’s Always eHarmony

The satirist reports that the World Bank president’s girlfriend no longer feels she can function effectively in that role and has decided to start seeing other banks.

Posted on May 13, 2007 READ MORE


Send In Your Résumé—Lying Is a Plus

The satirist says President Bush needs a “lying czar” to coordinate the “overwhelming volume of distortions” produced by the administration.

Posted on May 6, 2007 READ MORE


A Little Entertainment for the Evildoers

The satirist writes that, as part of a bold new strategy to confuse the enemy, the Pentagon announced today that it was sending comedian/impressionist Rich Little to Iraq to entertain the insurgents.

Posted on Apr 29, 2007 READ MORE


World Shocked That Wolfowitz Has Girlfriend

The satirist writes that the most improbable aspect of the Wolfowitz scandal is that the World Bank president actually has a girlfriend.

Posted on Apr 20, 2007 READ MORE


Imus Moves to Al-Qaida Network

The satirist says the embattled shock jock has found the perfect venue for his hate-filled rhetoric.

Posted on Apr 14, 2007 READ MORE


Bush Creates Department of Faulty Intelligence

The satirist envisions a Cabinet-level agency to better handle the abundance of misinformation pumped out by the administration.

Posted on Mar 18, 2007 READ MORE


Bush Strips Libby of Nickname

The satirist pokes fun at the Libby verdict and the president’s rush to distance himself from a liar.

Posted on Mar 11, 2007 READ MORE


Cooper
anthroblogs.org

When It Rains It Pours

Satirist Andy Borowitz riffs on the news networks’ ratings-oriented weather obsession.

Posted on Feb 12, 2007 READ MORE


Experts Go on Strike—Could Last Months, Non-Experts Say

Satirist Andy Borowitz pokes fun at the media’s reliance on the know-it-alls who often shape our opinions.

Posted on Feb 4, 2007 READ MORE


Satire by Andy Borowitz: Naughty Outnumber Nice in New Survey

In a survey designed to determine who is naughty and who is nice, the naughty outnumbered the nice by a whopping 3-to-1 margin, the University of Minnesota revealed today.

Posted on Dec 24, 2006 READ MORE


Satire by Andy Borowitz: Starbucks on the Moon

Vowing to boldly go where no gourmet coffee chain has ever gone before, Starbucks Inc. announced today that it would build its first coffee franchise on the moon by the year 2020.

Posted on Dec 8, 2006 READ MORE


Satire From Andy Borowitz: Bush Twins Invade Iraq

Just days after their hard-partying antics made headlines across Argentina, the twin daughters of President George W. Bush arrived in Iraq today, determined to continue celebrating their 25th birthday as only the Bush twins can.

Posted on Dec 2, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: A (Lame) Duck Spares a Turkey

The satirist reports that, sadly, President Bush’s pardoning of the big bird did not shield it from Deadeye Dick.

Posted on Nov 25, 2006 READ MORE


Satire: Bush Gets Grounded

In yet another setback for President George W. Bush, his father, former President George H.W. Bush, appeared in the Oval Office today and demanded that his son give back the keys to the White House at once.

Posted on Nov 19, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Dems, GOP’ers Agree to Take Two Years Off

The political satirist reports on an ingenious plan by the leadership of both parties to rest up for negative campaigning in 2008.

Posted on Nov 10, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Bush Proposes Making Illegal Immigrants ‘Guest Voters’

The political satirist reports that the president also proposed erecting a 700-foot fence around Hillary Clinton.

Posted on Oct 27, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Mel Gibson Acquires Nuclear Weapon

The satirist reports on an addition to the nuclear club far more dangerous than North Korea.

Posted on Oct 16, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz—Bush on Foley: We Must Crack Down on Illegal Immigration

Bush remained resolute that America’s immigration crisis, and not the behavior of Mr. Foley, was the true root cause of the scandal.

Posted on Oct 6, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Kangaroo Selected as New Hussein Judge

The political satirist reports on the brouhaha surrounding an unconventional choice to hold sway over the dictator’s trial.

Posted on Sep 29, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Rocket Scientists Not as Smart as Originally Thought

The satirist reveals that rocket scientists, according to a report by the American Association of Brain Surgeons, are less intelligent than you might imagine.

Posted on Sep 15, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson to Build Movie Studio on the Moon

When a reporter noted that the moon has no people at all, Mr. Cruise became argumentative: “Who told you that? Psychiatrists? Brooke Shields? That is such a load of cr—!”

Posted on Aug 25, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Bush Lowers Expectations on Iraq to Moderate Fiasco

Mr. Bush acknowledged some errors in judgment about the war, including posing in front of a banner that said “Mission Accomplished” when it should have said “Mission Impossible.”

Posted on Aug 18, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Bush Seeks Exit Strategy at Mapquest

The satirical columnist reports that Bush’s task was complicated by the fact that many of the streets that Mapquest displays for Iraq have not existed since the United States began bombing the country in 2003.

Posted on Aug 11, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Man in Coma for 19 Years Asks to Go Back to Sleep

The political satirist reports that the patient asked to be made unconscious again after realizing that the person he was seeing on TV was the real president of the United States, not a “Saturday Night Live” impersonator.

Posted on Jul 14, 2006 READ MORE


Blofeld and Kim Jong-Il
Blofeld: swapmeetdave.com; Jong-Il: dictatorofthemonth.com

Andy Borowitz—Kim Jong-Il: I Want to Be Villain in New Bond Film

“The question ‘What does Kim Jong-Il really want?’ was definitively answered today when the mercurial North Korean dictator offered to abandon his nuclear weapons program in exchange for the role of the villain in the new James Bond film.”

Posted on Jul 8, 2006 READ MORE


Playing Fast and Loose With the Constitution

  • Above, Mr. Fish takes on the nation’s constitutional crisis from a historical perspective. (click here for the full-size image.)
  • In this article, satirist Andy Borowitz reports on the crisis from a current perspective: “Bush Declares Independence From Constitution.”
  •  

    Posted on Jul 5, 2006 READ MORE


    N. Korea Is Seen as Wanting to Grab Nuclear Spotlight From Iran

    Stephen Hadley, Bush’s national security advisor, told reporters about North Korea’s missile launch, “Obviously, it is a bit of an effort to get attention, perhaps because so much attention has been focused on the Iranians.”

  • This reminds us of a classic Andy Borowitz article a few years back that said something to the effect of “Kim Jong Il Wants to Know What It Will Take for America to Bomb His Country and Put It on the Map.” Can anyone find that link?

    Posted on Jul 5, 2006 READ MORE


  • Bush and Flag
    From deskpicture.com

    Andy Borowitz: Bush Opposes Marriage Between a Man and a Flag

    The political satirist reports on the president’s discovery of what could be the greatest wedge issue of the 2006 midterm elections.

    Posted on Jun 30, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Kerry Sets Firm Timetable For Making His Mind Up About War

    The satirist reports that Sen. Kerry’s words may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, where President Bush vowed to remain in Iraq “until we have determined why we are there.”

    Posted on Jun 23, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Saddam’s Trial to Continue on Mars

    The political satirist writes that launching Hussein into space will achieve two of President Bush’s oft-stated goals: bringing the Iraqi to justice and landing a man on Mars.

    Posted on Jun 19, 2006 READ MORE


    Monstrous book signing
    Mike Luckovich

    Ann Coulter Challenges President of Iran to Insane-Comment Contest

    Satirist Andy Borowitz tells us that North Korean President Kim Jong Il and televangelist Pat Robertson expressed outrage that they had been excluded from the competition.

    Posted on Jun 9, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Iran Trying to Obtain Paris Hilton’s Album

    The political satirist quotes U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan as saying: “This is the most serious threat to world peace since North Korea obtained an early DVD of ‘Gigli.’ ”

    Posted on Jun 3, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Gore Could Cause ‘Global Boring’

    The political satirist reports: “The election of former Vice President Al Gore to the White House could result in a disastrous phenomenon called ‘global boring,’ in which millions of people around the world would fall asleep in an unprecedented narcoleptic pandemic.”

    Posted on May 26, 2006 READ MORE


    One Measly Point—Is That Too Much to Ask?

    The satirist tells us that Bush, feeling low as he contemplates his public approval rating, has turned to a man who knows a thing or two about numbers.

    Posted on May 19, 2006 READ MORE


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