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By Sheerly Avni
$26.37
By Brad Kessler
$16.32
$19
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“We’ve tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls,” said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. “Now it’s time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recognizing that Facebook put them all to shame.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“The American people have had years of watching Paula’s judging expertise, and they know that she is fair,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. “She’s certainly fairer than Simon.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Finance ministers from 16 EU nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
The pirate leader acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
A Treasury Department spokesperson said that by performing community service as treasury secretary, Lloyd Blankfein will do less harm to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as chairman of Goldman.
Posted on Apr 25, 2010
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
According to a source close to Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, they have already drawn up a list of possible candidates for the additional two horsemen, a list which includes Limbaugh, Beck, Coulter and the entire Cheney family.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
“We didn’t want to fall prey to all of the hype surrounding the iPad™,” said Nobel committee chairperson Gustav Traavik, who waited at the Apple store in Oslo for over two hours to buy the device. “But it is sweet.”
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White House / Pete Souza
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
In what some are calling the boldest move of his presidency, Barack Obama broke with a time-honored tradition observed by several U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, by pronouncing the word nuclear as it appears in the dictionary.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Thousands of self-styled tea-baggers marched on the Capitol today to make the point that, in the words of one of their number, “Voting has no place in Congress.”
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected president, you’d throw out your history books, too.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Due to the extraordinary amount of time the average American spends on the two popular social networking sites, he or she is expected to waste 48 hours this weekend out of a possible 47.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
The senator said not only did the car drive him to the gay nightclub, but it forced him to enter the club and party there for hours, resulting in his later arrest for DUI. (Editor’s note: Although Roy Ashburn is a real state senator who really was arrested on a DUI charge after allegedly being at a gay club, in this column Borowitz takes the liberty of manufacturing a set of quotations for satire’s sake.)
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Toyota President Akio Toyoda said he was having difficulties with the brakes on his 2010 Toyota Prius, which finally came to rest after crashing into a blacksmith’s shop in Colonial Williamsburg.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Thousands of Tiger Woods’ mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium to watch the golfing legend’s press conference on the stadium’s giant Jumbotron.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Global markets swooned this week in reaction to photos showing that President-elect Barack Obama had lost his shirt.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Caroline Kennedy would like to be considered Time magazine’s Person of the Year for 2009 and has let the magazine’s editor know of her interest in the honor, aides to Ms. Kennedy confirmed this week.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
In the first two weeks after the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the last eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has long-standing ties to The Weather Channel.
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By Andy Borowitz — GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was “delighted” with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her “trusty Magic 8-Ball” for helping her come up with answers to “some darn tricky questions,” according to this satirical report.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
In this tongue-in-cheek report, we learn that pit bull lovers don’t love Palin’s “lipstick” comment.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
The racists of America are definitely not in the undecided column in the Obama-McCain contest, according to this tongue-in-cheek report.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
All that glitters is not gold, this tongue-in-cheek dispatch from the Beijing Olympics warns.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human story line to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain today embarked on a historic first-ever visit to the Internet.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Saying he is “sympathetic to late night comedians’ struggle to find jokes to make about me,” Sen. Barack Obama today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
The liberal blogosphere was aflame today with new accusations that Sen. Barack Obama is trying to win the 2008 presidential election.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain unveiled details of his economic policy today, telling an audience in Ohio that if elected he would support a real-estate tax holiday for beer heiresses.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Mr. Bush said he was “surprised” that Mr. McClellan had written a book to criticize him because, he explained, “if you’re trying to communicate some criticism to me, a book is pretty much the last place you’d put it.”
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Responding to a chorus of outrage touched off by her comments about the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) made a bold attempt at damage control today by distancing herself from herself.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Just moments after former presidential candidate John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president, Hillary Clinton vowed to “continue the fight” for Edwards’ endorsement.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
In what some Democratic Party insiders are calling a particularly ominous sign for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, former President Bill Clinton today became the latest superdelegate to switch from Sen. Clinton to her rival, Sen. Barack Obama.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
The Democratic race for president has descended to “a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics,” the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Fearful about the prospect of human-rights protesters ruining the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China today announced a plan to move the summer games to a remote location where no one can find them.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Maybe what the economy needs is for George Bush to go to Disney World ... and stay there.
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By Andy Borowitz — The president has confirmed that his gutting of the Endangered Species Act is part of a broader plan to phase out the environment entirely by the time he leaves office.
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By Andy Borowitz — The satirist reports that monsters all across the country are offended by the remarks of a Barack Obama campaign aide in which she called Hillary Clinton a “monster.”
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By Andy Borowitz — The satirist says the president doesn’t understand Hillary Clinton’s “red phone” ad. He just sends all those calls to voice mail.
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By Andy Borowitz — The satirist writes that consumer activist Ralph Nader, appearing on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election.
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By Andy Borowitz — Of all the voices in Washington recently, who could be better equipped to speak for this president than Roger Clemens?
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By Andy Borowitz — The satirist envisions a new front in the global war on terror, if only the terrorists would waste as much time on Facebook as Americans do.
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By Andy Borowitz — After equating homosexuality with bestiality, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was attacked by a gay tiger.
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By Andy Borowitz — The satirist reports that New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is still trying to decide whether to buy the U.S. presidency, with the sticking point being the steep price.
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By Andy Borowitz — The humorist looks into his crystal ball and tells us what to expect from the candidates, George W. Bush and even Monica Lewinsky.
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By Andy Borowitz — The satirist lampoons Sen. Clinton’s eagerness to seize upon Barack Obama’s Iowa success and recast herself as a “change agent.”
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By Andy Borowitz — According to satirist Borowitz, Clinton has exposed some dirty linen and Obama is plenty P-O’d about the accusation.
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By Andy Borowitz — In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 GOP presidential race, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has named Jesus Christ as his vice presidential running mate.
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By Andy Borowitz — The satirist imagines what the president might be thankful for. A compliant Congress, perhaps? A lack of impeachment proceedings? Jena’s book deal?
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By Andy Borowitz — Campaign-trail satire: Paper? Plastic? Both? Neither? The senator finds it’s hard to do a bit of shopping when a world of voters is looking on.
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By Andy Borowitz — Bush, citing his own years of expertise, flies to Islamabad to offer wisdom on how to eliminate democracy.
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