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Tag: Borowitz

Experts Propose Plugging Oil Leak With BP Executives

“We’ve tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls,” said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. “Now it’s time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best.”

Posted on May 30, 2010 READ MORE


China to Stop Spying on Its People, Will Use Facebook Instead

According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recognizing that Facebook put them all to shame.

Posted on May 23, 2010 READ MORE


Citing Kagan’s Lack of Judging Experience, GOP Proposes Paula Abdul

“The American people have had years of watching Paula’s judging expertise, and they know that she is fair,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. “She’s certainly fairer than Simon.”

Posted on May 16, 2010 READ MORE


Greece Offers to Repay Loans with Giant Horse

Finance ministers from 16 EU nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight.

Posted on May 9, 2010 READ MORE


Somali Pirates Say They Are Subsidiary of Goldman Sachs

The pirate leader acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”

Posted on May 2, 2010 READ MORE


Goldman CEO to Perform Community Service as Treasury Secretary

A Treasury Department spokesperson said that by performing community service as treasury secretary, Lloyd Blankfein will do less harm to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as chairman of Goldman.

Posted on Apr 25, 2010 READ MORE


Can’t Have a Decent Apocalypse Without a Full Cast

According to a source close to Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, they have already drawn up a list of possible candidates for the additional two horsemen, a list which includes Limbaugh, Beck, Coulter and the entire Cheney family.

Posted on Apr 18, 2010 READ MORE


iPad™ Wins Nobel Peace Prize

“We didn’t want to fall prey to all of the hype surrounding the iPad™,” said Nobel committee chairperson Gustav Traavik, who waited at the Apple store in Oslo for over two hours to buy the device. “But it is sweet.”

Posted on Apr 11, 2010 READ MORE



White House / Pete Souza

Obama’s Obscure Pronunciation of ‘Nuclear’ Breaks With Tradition

In what some are calling the boldest move of his presidency, Barack Obama broke with a time-honored tradition observed by several U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, by pronouncing the word nuclear as it appears in the dictionary.

Posted on Apr 4, 2010 READ MORE


Let’s Leave This Voting Thing to the Socialists, OK?

Thousands of self-styled tea-baggers marched on the Capitol today to make the point that, in the words of one of their number, “Voting has no place in Congress.”

Posted on Mar 28, 2010 READ MORE


In Texas, History Isn’t What It Used to Be

If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected president, you’d throw out your history books, too.

Posted on Mar 22, 2010 READ MORE


Americans to Lose One Hour to Daylight Saving and the Rest to Facebook, Twitter

Due to the extraordinary amount of time the average American spends on the two popular social networking sites, he or she is expected to waste 48 hours this weekend out of a possible 47.

Posted on Mar 14, 2010 READ MORE


GOP Lawmaker Demands Recall of Car That Drove Him to Gay Club

The senator said not only did the car drive him to the gay nightclub, but it forced him to enter the club and party there for hours, resulting in his later arrest for DUI. (Editor’s note: Although Roy Ashburn is a real state senator who really was arrested on a DUI charge after allegedly being at a gay club, in this column Borowitz takes the liberty of manufacturing a set of quotations for satire’s sake.)

Posted on Mar 7, 2010 READ MORE


Toyota Chief Overshoots Congressional Hearings by 150 Miles

Toyota President Akio Toyoda said he was having difficulties with the brakes on his 2010 Toyota Prius, which finally came to rest after crashing into a blacksmith’s shop in Colonial Williamsburg.

Posted on Feb 28, 2010 READ MORE


Tiger’s Mistresses Fill Yankee Stadium to View Press Conference

Thousands of Tiger Woods’ mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium to watch the golfing legend’s press conference on the stadium’s giant Jumbotron.

Posted on Feb 21, 2010 READ MORE


Shirtless President-Elect Creates Crisis of Confidence

Global markets swooned this week in reaction to photos showing that President-elect Barack Obama had lost his shirt.

Posted on Dec 28, 2008 READ MORE


Caroline Kennedy Asks to Be Time’s Person of the Year

Caroline Kennedy would like to be considered Time magazine’s Person of the Year for 2009 and has let the magazine’s editor know of her interest in the honor, aides to Ms. Kennedy confirmed this week.

Posted on Dec 22, 2008 READ MORE


Obama’s Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy

In the first two weeks after the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the last eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Posted on Nov 24, 2008 READ MORE


Palling Around With Meteorologists

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin went on the attack today, claiming that Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has long-standing ties to The Weather Channel.

Posted on Oct 12, 2008 READ MORE


Palin’s Secret to Instant Knowledge

GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was “delighted” with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her “trusty Magic 8-Ball” for helping her come up with answers to “some darn tricky questions,” according to this satirical report.

Posted on Sep 21, 2008 READ MORE


Remark Returns to Bite the Governor

In this tongue-in-cheek report, we learn that pit bull lovers don’t love Palin’s “lipstick” comment.

Posted on Sep 15, 2008 READ MORE


Pollsters Probe the Big Bigot Bloc

The racists of America are definitely not in the undecided column in the Obama-McCain contest, according to this tongue-in-cheek report.

Posted on Sep 7, 2008 READ MORE


Don’t Lick the Medals

All that glitters is not gold, this tongue-in-cheek dispatch from the Beijing Olympics warns.

 

Posted on Aug 24, 2008 READ MORE


Athlete Without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled From Olympics

A member of the U.S. Olympic diving team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human story line to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.

Posted on Aug 17, 2008 READ MORE


Plodding Down the Information Superhighway

In a daring bid to wrench attention from his Democratic rival in the 2008 presidential race, Sen. John McCain today embarked on a historic first-ever visit to the Internet.

Posted on Jul 27, 2008 READ MORE


5 Approved Obama Jokes

Saying he is “sympathetic to late night comedians’ struggle to find jokes to make about me,” Sen. Barack Obama today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.

Posted on Jul 20, 2008 READ MORE


Traitor to a Losing Tradition

The liberal blogosphere was aflame today with new accusations that Sen. Barack Obama is trying to win the 2008 presidential election.

Posted on Jul 13, 2008 READ MORE


Cold-Filtered Economics

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain unveiled details of his economic policy today, telling an audience in Ohio that if elected he would support a real-estate tax holiday for beer heiresses.

Posted on Jul 6, 2008 READ MORE


Less than Literate

Mr. Bush said he was “surprised” that Mr. McClellan had written a book to criticize him because, he explained, “if you’re trying to communicate some criticism to me, a book is pretty much the last place you’d put it.”

Posted on Jun 8, 2008 READ MORE


Her Own Worst Enemy

Responding to a chorus of outrage touched off by her comments about the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) made a bold attempt at damage control today by distancing herself from herself.

Posted on Jun 2, 2008 READ MORE


Fighting Until the End, and Then Some

Just moments after former presidential candidate John Edwards endorsed Barack Obama for president, Hillary Clinton vowed to “continue the fight” for Edwards’ endorsement.

Posted on May 25, 2008 READ MORE


The Other Man

In what some Democratic Party insiders are calling a particularly ominous sign for Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, former President Bill Clinton today became the latest superdelegate to switch from Sen. Clinton to her rival, Sen. Barack Obama.

Posted on May 18, 2008 READ MORE


Get Your Own Smear Tactics

The Democratic race for president has descended to “a level of meanness and acrimony that is damaging to American politics,” the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth said today.

Posted on Apr 27, 2008 READ MORE


Olympic Hide and Seek

Fearful about the prospect of human-rights protesters ruining the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China today announced a plan to move the summer games to a remote location where no one can find them.

Posted on Apr 20, 2008 READ MORE


How Can We Miss Him if He Won’t Go Away?

Maybe what the economy needs is for George Bush to go to Disney World ... and stay there.

Posted on Apr 14, 2008 READ MORE


Bush Stands Firm on Environment

The president has confirmed that his gutting of the Endangered Species Act is part of a broader plan to phase out the environment entirely by the time he leaves office.

Posted on Mar 30, 2008 READ MORE


Monster Community Weighs In on Campaign Controversy

The satirist reports that monsters all across the country are offended by the remarks of a Barack Obama campaign aide in which she called Hillary Clinton a “monster.”

Posted on Mar 16, 2008 READ MORE


The President You Are Trying to Reach Is Unavailable

The satirist says the president doesn’t understand Hillary Clinton’s “red phone” ad. He just sends all those calls to voice mail.

Posted on Mar 10, 2008 READ MORE


Old Habits Die Hard

The satirist writes that consumer activist Ralph Nader, appearing on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” told host Tim Russert that he has officially decided to wreck the 2008 presidential election.

Posted on Mar 2, 2008 READ MORE


Shrub and the Rocket

Of all the voices in Washington recently, who could be better equipped to speak for this president than Roger Clemens?

Posted on Feb 22, 2008 READ MORE


Social Terror Networking

The satirist envisions a new front in the global war on terror, if only the terrorists would waste as much time on Facebook as Americans do.

Posted on Feb 10, 2008 READ MORE


The Perils of Pandering

After equating homosexuality with bestiality, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was attacked by a gay tiger.

Posted on Jan 27, 2008 READ MORE


How Much Is That Superpower in the Window?

The satirist reports that New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is still trying to decide whether to buy the U.S. presidency, with the sticking point being the steep price.

Posted on Jan 21, 2008 READ MORE


2008’s News Before It Happens

The humorist looks into his crystal ball and tells us what to expect from the candidates, George W. Bush and even Monica Lewinsky.

Posted on Jan 11, 2008 READ MORE


A Sex—and Race—Change for Hillary

The satirist lampoons Sen. Clinton’s eagerness to seize upon Barack Obama’s Iowa success and recast herself as a “change agent.”

Posted on Jan 6, 2008 READ MORE


The Race for Name-Caller in Chief

According to satirist Borowitz, Clinton has exposed some dirty linen and Obama is plenty P-O’d about the accusation.

Posted on Dec 22, 2007 READ MORE


Oh My God, What a Ticket!

In a bold move that could dramatically alter the playing field of the 2008 GOP presidential race, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has named Jesus Christ as his vice presidential running mate.

Posted on Dec 9, 2007 READ MORE


Bush Gives Thanks

The satirist imagines what the president might be thankful for. A compliant Congress, perhaps? A lack of impeachment proceedings? Jena’s book deal?

Posted on Nov 23, 2007 READ MORE


Hillary’s Supermarket Conundrum

Campaign-trail satire: Paper? Plastic? Both? Neither? The senator finds it’s hard to do a bit of shopping when a world of voters is looking on.

Posted on Nov 18, 2007 READ MORE


A Dictator Gets Tips From an Old Pro

Bush, citing his own years of expertise, flies to Islamabad to offer wisdom on how to eliminate democracy.

Posted on Nov 11, 2007 READ MORE


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