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$12.99
By Craig Timberg and Daniel Halperin
$10.98
$40
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White House/Karen Ballard
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“Making up a reason to invade a country is the easy part,” the former vice president said, according to a satirical story in The New Yorker. “Sticking to a pretend story for ten years—that is the stuff of valor.”
Posted on Mar 19, 2013
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mindfrieze (CC BY-SA 2.0)
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One good thing might come out of the sequester, according to comedian Andy Borowitz. In a satirical report for The New Yorker, he writes that the budget cuts may prevent American forces from fighting “totally optional wars based on bogus pretexts.”
Posted on Mar 3, 2013
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
With unprecedented crises engulfing the world, millions of television viewers are finding the news too stressful to watch—and are turning to the Fox News Channel instead.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it’s already getting a big thumbs up from gadget aficionados: the Etch A Sketch 2.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
But in a possible boost for the California economy, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer today announced plans to begin marketing a new blockbuster drug called Charlie Sheen.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“Your call for democratic freedoms has been heard loud and clear,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told the protesters. “And soon, they will be instituted in Egypt, where you can visit them.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
The lawmakers, who call themselves the Shirtless Republicans and are led by Rep. Christopher Lee, R-N.Y., appeared in the Capitol rotunda this morning naked from the waist up.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Concerned that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak did not receive his message to begin a peaceful transition to democratic reforms, President Barack Obama said today that he would resend the message, “but this time in all caps.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
In addition, Bachmann suggested slashing the federal budget by eliminating nine of the first 10 amendments to the Constitution. “I think you know which one I’d keep,” she chuckled.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
In a memo, House Speaker John Boehner explained, “From now on, we will say that he was born nearish America, and perhaps even as close as Cuba.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented U.S. President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster “Toy Story 3.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“Gasoline and matches don’t start fires,” said Fox host Glenn Beck. “People start fires.” Mr. Beck went on to say that there was no link between “oxygen, hydrogen and water.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Also in this edition of the Borowitz Report: Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
The Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in Sunday’s broadcast of his “700 Club” program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast “to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant’s legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Julian Assange said he came up with the idea for the new site while combing through hundreds of thousands of pages of WikiLeaks documents: “I realized that diplomats didn’t have a way to reconnect with old colleagues so they could lie to them.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice.”
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By Andy Borowitz — After it emerged that entire sections of George W. Bush’s new memoir, “Decision Points,” were plagiarized from books by former aides, The Borowitz Report asked our followers on Twitter to come up with the best plagiarized first line for the book.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing “unsafe working conditions.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past 24 hours, with more than 55 million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“To tell you the truth, I don’t know if there’s anything about that in the Constitution,” she added. “In the version of the Constitution that I read, Big Bird didn’t mention it.”
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Like many Americans, over the past several years I have been the recipient of multiple unwelcome voice mails from the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Two of the theory of evolution’s most vociferous doubters, Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell, may be living proof that Darwin was wrong, leading scientists believe.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become vice president of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become president of Afghanistan and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
A rabid Doberman pinscher jumped on stage at a tea party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly 20 minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.
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Fake News by Andy Borowitz —
Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin defended her use of the word refudiate, telling her critics, “Look it up in the fictionary.” While claiming that refudiate is a real word, she reserved her right to make up new words in the future.
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Fake News by Andy Borowitz —
Based on the record ratings for its special featuring LeBron James’ announcement of his new team, ESPN announced that instead of airing NBA games, it would schedule two-hour specials showing the rich guy cashing his ginormous paychecks.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they’ve probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
At a press conference at corporate headquarters in London, BP CEO Tony Hayward said that environmentalists would embrace the new technology “because lies are a totally renewable resource.”
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Fake News by Andy Borowitz —
Sensing a public relations opportunity, golf legend Tiger Woods spoke out today on the BP oil spill.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“We’ve tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls,” said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. “Now it’s time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recognizing that Facebook put them all to shame.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
“The American people have had years of watching Paula’s judging expertise, and they know that she is fair,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. “She’s certainly fairer than Simon.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
Finance ministers from 16 EU nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight.
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
The pirate leader acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”
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Fake news by Andy Borowitz —
A Treasury Department spokesperson said that by performing community service as treasury secretary, Lloyd Blankfein will do less harm to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as chairman of Goldman.
Posted on Apr 25, 2010
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
According to a source close to Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, they have already drawn up a list of possible candidates for the additional two horsemen, a list which includes Limbaugh, Beck, Coulter and the entire Cheney family.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
“We didn’t want to fall prey to all of the hype surrounding the iPad™,” said Nobel committee chairperson Gustav Traavik, who waited at the Apple store in Oslo for over two hours to buy the device. “But it is sweet.”
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White House / Pete Souza
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
In what some are calling the boldest move of his presidency, Barack Obama broke with a time-honored tradition observed by several U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, by pronouncing the word nuclear as it appears in the dictionary.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Thousands of self-styled tea-baggers marched on the Capitol today to make the point that, in the words of one of their number, “Voting has no place in Congress.”
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected president, you’d throw out your history books, too.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Due to the extraordinary amount of time the average American spends on the two popular social networking sites, he or she is expected to waste 48 hours this weekend out of a possible 47.
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
The senator said not only did the car drive him to the gay nightclub, but it forced him to enter the club and party there for hours, resulting in his later arrest for DUI. (Editor’s note: Although Roy Ashburn is a real state senator who really was arrested on a DUI charge after allegedly being at a gay club, in this column Borowitz takes the liberty of manufacturing a set of quotations for satire’s sake.)
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Satire by Andy Borowitz —
Toyota President Akio Toyoda said he was having difficulties with the brakes on his 2010 Toyota Prius, which finally came to rest after crashing into a blacksmith’s shop in Colonial Williamsburg.
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By Andy Borowitz — This week the satirist targets the convenient forgetfulness of politicians, who so frequently can’t remember why, when and how they screwed up.
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By Andy Borowitz — As the crisis in the Middle East takes on graver proportions by the day, George W. Bush is gearing up for yet another retreat to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Satirist Andy Borowitz reports that the Vacationer in Chief is determined to have fun, or “Hezbollah will have hell to pay.”
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By Andy Borowitz — The political satirist reports on Rumsfeld’s plan to punish the government of Iran for its nuclear ambitions by sending the one troop to Tehran.
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By Andy Borowitz — Satirist Andy Borowitz reports that our emergency preparedness experts have the bird flu situation under control. Mostly, they’re counting on a natural disaster to wipe out the bird population.
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Marching in Chicago: Resisting Rahm Emanuel’s Neoliberal Savagery
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