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The Nature and Destiny of Man

The Nature and Destiny of Man

By Reinhold Niebuhr; Robin W. Lovin (Introduction by)

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Tag: Andy Borowitz


White House/Karen Ballard

Borowitz on How Dick Cheney Marked 10th Anniversary of Iraq War

“Making up a reason to invade a country is the easy part,” the former vice president said, according to a satirical story in The New Yorker. “Sticking to a pretend story for ten years—that is the stuff of valor.”

Posted on Mar 19, 2013 READ MORE



mindfrieze (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Borowitz: U.S. May Not Be Able to Invade Countries for No Reason Due to Cuts

One good thing might come out of the sequester, according to comedian Andy Borowitz. In a satirical report for The New Yorker, he writes that the budget cuts may prevent American forces from fighting “totally optional wars based on bogus pretexts.”

Posted on Mar 3, 2013 READ MORE


Afraid to Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

With unprecedented crises engulfing the world, millions of television viewers are finding the news too stressful to watch—and are turning to the Fox News Channel instead.

Posted on Mar 20, 2011 READ MORE


Etch A Sketch 2 Takes Gadget World by Storm

A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it’s already getting a big thumbs up from gadget aficionados: the Etch A Sketch 2.

Posted on Mar 13, 2011 READ MORE


Unemployment Rose Last Week by Two and a Half Men

But in a possible boost for the California economy, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer today announced plans to begin marketing a new blockbuster drug called Charlie Sheen.

Posted on Mar 6, 2011 READ MORE


Ahmadinejad Promises Democratic Reforms in Egypt

“Your call for democratic freedoms has been heard loud and clear,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told the protesters. “And soon, they will be instituted in Egypt, where you can visit them.”

Posted on Feb 20, 2011 READ MORE


Republicans Cut Shirts From Budget

The lawmakers, who call themselves the Shirtless Republicans and are led by Rep. Christopher Lee, R-N.Y., appeared in the Capitol rotunda this morning naked from the waist up.

Posted on Feb 13, 2011 READ MORE


Obama to Resort to Communicating With Mubarak in Caps

Concerned that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak did not receive his message to begin a peaceful transition to democratic reforms, President Barack Obama said today that he would resend the message, “but this time in all caps.”

Posted on Feb 7, 2011 READ MORE


Michele Bachmann Proposes ‘Don’t Add, Don’t Spell’

In addition, Bachmann suggested slashing the federal budget by eliminating nine of the first 10 amendments to the Constitution. “I think you know which one I’d keep,” she chuckled.

Posted on Jan 30, 2011 READ MORE


In New Era of Civility, GOP Says Obama Born ‘Near America’

In a memo, House Speaker John Boehner explained, “From now on, we will say that he was born nearish America, and perhaps even as close as Cuba.”

Posted on Jan 23, 2011 READ MORE


Hu Presents Obama With Counterfeit DVD

In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented U.S. President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster “Toy Story 3.”

Posted on Jan 23, 2011 READ MORE


Fox News Reports No Link Between Matches, Gasoline and Fire

“Gasoline and matches don’t start fires,” said Fox host Glenn Beck. “People start fires.” Mr. Beck went on to say that there was no link between “oxygen, hydrogen and water.”

Posted on Jan 17, 2011 READ MORE


Steve Jobs Snoozes, Apple Loses: It’s Cause for Alarm

Also in this edition of the Borowitz Report: Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate.

Posted on Jan 9, 2011 READ MORE


Blizzard a Case of God-Blocking, Robertson Says

The Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in Sunday’s broadcast of his “700 Club” program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast “to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay.”

Posted on Jan 2, 2011 READ MORE


Goldman’s Massive Bonuses ‘Totally Deserved,’ Says Satan

The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant’s legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.

Posted on Dec 26, 2010 READ MORE


Assange to Launch Social Network for Diplomats: Twofacebook

Julian Assange said he came up with the idea for the new site while combing through hundreds of thousands of pages of WikiLeaks documents: “I realized that diplomats didn’t have a way to reconnect with old colleagues so they could lie to them.”

Posted on Dec 19, 2010 READ MORE


In Latest Compromise, Obama Agrees He Is a Muslim

In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim.

Posted on Dec 13, 2010 READ MORE


U.S. Orders Diplomats to Stop Telling Truth

In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to “cease and desist telling the truth until further notice.”

Posted on Dec 6, 2010 READ MORE


10 (Fake) Plagiarized Lines From Bush’s Book

After it emerged that entire sections of George W. Bush’s new memoir, “Decision Points,” were plagiarized from books by former aides, The Borowitz Report asked our followers on Twitter to come up with the best plagiarized first line for the book.

Posted on Nov 21, 2010 READ MORE


Somali Pirates Refuse to Board Carnival Cruise Ships

In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing “unsafe working conditions.”

Posted on Nov 14, 2010 READ MORE


Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration

Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past 24 hours, with more than 55 million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night.

Posted on Nov 7, 2010 READ MORE


Christine O’Donnell Favors Separation of Speech and Thought

“To tell you the truth, I don’t know if there’s anything about that in the Constitution,” she added. “In the version of the Constitution that I read, Big Bird didn’t mention it.”

Posted on Oct 31, 2010 READ MORE


Three Things to Do When Clarence Thomas’ Wife Calls You

Like many Americans, over the past several years I have been the recipient of multiple unwelcome voice mails from the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

Posted on Oct 24, 2010 READ MORE


Existence of Tea Party Candidates Casts Doubt on Evolution

Two of the theory of evolution’s most vociferous doubters, Sarah Palin and Christine O’Donnell, may be living proof that Darwin was wrong, leading scientists believe.

Posted on Oct 17, 2010 READ MORE


Karzai to Take His Talents to Minneapolis

In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become vice president of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become president of Afghanistan and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings.

Posted on Oct 10, 2010 READ MORE


Delaware Masturbators March Against O’Donnell

Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Posted on Sep 19, 2010 READ MORE


Rabid Dog Briefly Mistaken for Tea Party Candidate

A rabid Doberman pinscher jumped on stage at a tea party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly 20 minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.

Posted on Sep 12, 2010 READ MORE


Palin Says Refudiate Appears in Fictionary

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin defended her use of the word refudiate, telling her critics, “Look it up in the fictionary.” While claiming that refudiate is a real word, she reserved her right to make up new words in the future.

Posted on Jul 25, 2010 READ MORE


Millions Watch Rich Guy Get New Job

Based on the record ratings for its special featuring LeBron James’ announcement of his new team, ESPN announced that instead of airing NBA games, it would schedule two-hour specials showing the rich guy cashing his ginormous paychecks.

Posted on Jul 11, 2010 READ MORE


Hawking: Aliens ‘No Longer Interested’ in Invading Earth

“Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they’ve probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said.

Posted on Jun 27, 2010 READ MORE


BP Develops Technology to Convert Lies Into Energy

At a press conference at corporate headquarters in London, BP CEO Tony Hayward said that environmentalists would embrace the new technology “because lies are a totally renewable resource.”

Posted on Jun 20, 2010 READ MORE


Tiger: At Least I Didn’t Screw the Entire Gulf of Mexico

Sensing a public relations opportunity, golf legend Tiger Woods spoke out today on the BP oil spill.

Posted on Jun 13, 2010 READ MORE


Experts Propose Plugging Oil Leak With BP Executives

“We’ve tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls,” said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. “Now it’s time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best.”

Posted on May 30, 2010 READ MORE


China to Stop Spying on Its People, Will Use Facebook Instead

According to the head of the domestic spying operation, China decided to scrap its elaborate array of spy satellites, eavesdropping devices and closed-circuit surveillance cameras after recognizing that Facebook put them all to shame.

Posted on May 23, 2010 READ MORE


Citing Kagan’s Lack of Judging Experience, GOP Proposes Paula Abdul

“The American people have had years of watching Paula’s judging expertise, and they know that she is fair,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. “She’s certainly fairer than Simon.”

Posted on May 16, 2010 READ MORE


Greece Offers to Repay Loans with Giant Horse

Finance ministers from 16 EU nations awoke in Brussels this morning to find that a huge wooden horse had been wheeled into the city center overnight.

Posted on May 9, 2010 READ MORE


Somali Pirates Say They Are Subsidiary of Goldman Sachs

The pirate leader acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”

Posted on May 2, 2010 READ MORE


Goldman CEO to Perform Community Service as Treasury Secretary

A Treasury Department spokesperson said that by performing community service as treasury secretary, Lloyd Blankfein will do less harm to the economy because he will have significantly less power than he had as chairman of Goldman.

Posted on Apr 25, 2010 READ MORE


Can’t Have a Decent Apocalypse Without a Full Cast

According to a source close to Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, they have already drawn up a list of possible candidates for the additional two horsemen, a list which includes Limbaugh, Beck, Coulter and the entire Cheney family.

Posted on Apr 18, 2010 READ MORE


iPad™ Wins Nobel Peace Prize

“We didn’t want to fall prey to all of the hype surrounding the iPad™,” said Nobel committee chairperson Gustav Traavik, who waited at the Apple store in Oslo for over two hours to buy the device. “But it is sweet.”

Posted on Apr 11, 2010 READ MORE



White House / Pete Souza

Obama’s Obscure Pronunciation of ‘Nuclear’ Breaks With Tradition

In what some are calling the boldest move of his presidency, Barack Obama broke with a time-honored tradition observed by several U.S. presidents, including George W. Bush, by pronouncing the word nuclear as it appears in the dictionary.

Posted on Apr 4, 2010 READ MORE


Let’s Leave This Voting Thing to the Socialists, OK?

Thousands of self-styled tea-baggers marched on the Capitol today to make the point that, in the words of one of their number, “Voting has no place in Congress.”

Posted on Mar 28, 2010 READ MORE


In Texas, History Isn’t What It Used to Be

If you were the state responsible for George W. Bush being elected president, you’d throw out your history books, too.

Posted on Mar 22, 2010 READ MORE


Americans to Lose One Hour to Daylight Saving and the Rest to Facebook, Twitter

Due to the extraordinary amount of time the average American spends on the two popular social networking sites, he or she is expected to waste 48 hours this weekend out of a possible 47.

Posted on Mar 14, 2010 READ MORE


GOP Lawmaker Demands Recall of Car That Drove Him to Gay Club

The senator said not only did the car drive him to the gay nightclub, but it forced him to enter the club and party there for hours, resulting in his later arrest for DUI. (Editor’s note: Although Roy Ashburn is a real state senator who really was arrested on a DUI charge after allegedly being at a gay club, in this column Borowitz takes the liberty of manufacturing a set of quotations for satire’s sake.)

Posted on Mar 7, 2010 READ MORE


Toyota Chief Overshoots Congressional Hearings by 150 Miles

Toyota President Akio Toyoda said he was having difficulties with the brakes on his 2010 Toyota Prius, which finally came to rest after crashing into a blacksmith’s shop in Colonial Williamsburg.

Posted on Feb 28, 2010 READ MORE


Scientists Study Memory Loss Among Politicians

This week the satirist targets the convenient forgetfulness of politicians, who so frequently can’t remember why, when and how they screwed up.

Posted on Apr 9, 2007 READ MORE


New Worries for the Vacationer in Chief

As the crisis in the Middle East takes on graver proportions by the day, George W. Bush is gearing up for yet another retreat to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Satirist Andy Borowitz reports that the Vacationer in Chief is determined to have fun, or “Hezbollah will have hell to pay.”

Posted on Jul 22, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: U.S. to Send One Troop to Iran

The political satirist reports on Rumsfeld’s plan to punish the government of Iran for its nuclear ambitions by sending the one troop to Tehran.

Posted on Apr 14, 2006 READ MORE


FEMA’s Got a Handle on Bird Flu ... if There’s a Stiff Breeze

Satirist Andy Borowitz reports that our emergency preparedness experts have the bird flu situation under control. Mostly, they’re counting on a natural disaster to wipe out the bird population.

Posted on Apr 8, 2006 READ MORE


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