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Tag: Andy

Andy Borowitz: Mel Gibson Acquires Nuclear Weapon

The satirist reports on an addition to the nuclear club far more dangerous than North Korea.

Posted on Oct 16, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz—Bush on Foley: We Must Crack Down on Illegal Immigration

Bush remained resolute that America’s immigration crisis, and not the behavior of Mr. Foley, was the true root cause of the scandal.

Posted on Oct 6, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Kangaroo Selected as New Hussein Judge

The political satirist reports on the brouhaha surrounding an unconventional choice to hold sway over the dictator’s trial.

Posted on Sep 29, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Rocket Scientists Not as Smart as Originally Thought

The satirist reveals that rocket scientists, according to a report by the American Association of Brain Surgeons, are less intelligent than you might imagine.

Posted on Sep 15, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson to Build Movie Studio on the Moon

When a reporter noted that the moon has no people at all, Mr. Cruise became argumentative: “Who told you that? Psychiatrists? Brooke Shields? That is such a load of cr—!”

Posted on Aug 25, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Bush Lowers Expectations on Iraq to Moderate Fiasco

Mr. Bush acknowledged some errors in judgment about the war, including posing in front of a banner that said “Mission Accomplished” when it should have said “Mission Impossible.”

Posted on Aug 18, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Bush Seeks Exit Strategy at Mapquest

The satirical columnist reports that Bush’s task was complicated by the fact that many of the streets that Mapquest displays for Iraq have not existed since the United States began bombing the country in 2003.

Posted on Aug 11, 2006 READ MORE


Andy Borowitz: Man in Coma for 19 Years Asks to Go Back to Sleep

The political satirist reports that the patient asked to be made unconscious again after realizing that the person he was seeing on TV was the real president of the United States, not a “Saturday Night Live” impersonator.

Posted on Jul 14, 2006 READ MORE


Blofeld and Kim Jong-Il
Blofeld: swapmeetdave.com; Jong-Il: dictatorofthemonth.com

Andy Borowitz—Kim Jong-Il: I Want to Be Villain in New Bond Film

“The question ‘What does Kim Jong-Il really want?’ was definitively answered today when the mercurial North Korean dictator offered to abandon his nuclear weapons program in exchange for the role of the villain in the new James Bond film.”

Posted on Jul 8, 2006 READ MORE


N. Korea Is Seen as Wanting to Grab Nuclear Spotlight From Iran

Stephen Hadley, Bush’s national security advisor, told reporters about North Korea’s missile launch, “Obviously, it is a bit of an effort to get attention, perhaps because so much attention has been focused on the Iranians.”

  • This reminds us of a classic Andy Borowitz article a few years back that said something to the effect of “Kim Jong Il Wants to Know What It Will Take for America to Bomb His Country and Put It on the Map.” Can anyone find that link?

    Posted on Jul 5, 2006 READ MORE


  • Andy Borowitz: Kerry Sets Firm Timetable For Making His Mind Up About War

    The satirist reports that Sen. Kerry’s words may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, where President Bush vowed to remain in Iraq “until we have determined why we are there.”

    Posted on Jun 23, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Saddam’s Trial to Continue on Mars

    The political satirist writes that launching Hussein into space will achieve two of President Bush’s oft-stated goals: bringing the Iraqi to justice and landing a man on Mars.

    Posted on Jun 19, 2006 READ MORE


    Monstrous book signing
    Mike Luckovich

    Ann Coulter Challenges President of Iran to Insane-Comment Contest

    Satirist Andy Borowitz tells us that North Korean President Kim Jong Il and televangelist Pat Robertson expressed outrage that they had been excluded from the competition.

    Posted on Jun 9, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Iran Trying to Obtain Paris Hilton’s Album

    The political satirist quotes U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan as saying: “This is the most serious threat to world peace since North Korea obtained an early DVD of ‘Gigli.’ ”

    Posted on Jun 3, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Gore Could Cause ‘Global Boring’

    The political satirist reports: “The election of former Vice President Al Gore to the White House could result in a disastrous phenomenon called ‘global boring,’ in which millions of people around the world would fall asleep in an unprecedented narcoleptic pandemic.”

    Posted on May 26, 2006 READ MORE


    One Measly Point—Is That Too Much to Ask?

    The satirist tells us that Bush, feeling low as he contemplates his public approval rating, has turned to a man who knows a thing or two about numbers.

    Posted on May 19, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz—Bush Demands That Iran Halt Production of Long Letters

    The political satirist reports: White House aides said that writing an 18-page letter to President Bush, who is known for his extreme distaste for reading, was the most provocative act Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could possibly have committed.

    Posted on May 12, 2006 READ MORE


    Andy Borowitz: Best Medicine for Flu Is a Dose of Blame

    “Once state and local governments have been successfully blamed, the White House will ensure that others, such as congressional Democrats and illegal immigrants, are blamed as well.”

    Posted on May 5, 2006 READ MORE


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