By Andy Borowitz
Thousands of Tiger Woods’ mistresses converged on Yankee Stadium on Friday to watch the golfing legend’s press conference on the stadium’s giant Jumbotron.
Traffic snarled for miles as vehicles filled with cocktail waitresses, restaurant hostesses and Playboy models clogged the streets leading to the storied baseball venue. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg called the gathering “a first-class headache” and said that he regretted authorizing it. “You have thousands of angry women in one place, anything can happen,” he said. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather host Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.”
Shandi Shanoyne, a former Tiger mistress and thong publicist who organized the Yankee Stadium event, said that the thousands of women at Yankee Stadium were anxious to hear what Woods had to say. “A lot of us have been waiting for months for him to text us back,” she said.
Elsewhere, the winner of this year’s Westminster dog show, Sadie the Scottish terrier, received a trophy and permission to bite Michael Vick.
Evan Bayh Admits All-Consuming Farmville Addiction; Senator Enters Rehab
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after rocking the political world with his surprise retirement announcement, Sen. Evan Bayh, D-Ind., said that he would undergo treatment for an “all-consuming addiction” to the popular Facebook game Farmville.
“I realized that I had to make a choice between being a United States senator and tending my imaginary farm,” a tearful Bayh told reporters. “I had to look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge that I had a problem.”
Majority Leader Harry Reid said he was shocked by Bayh’s admission, adding, “This is all the more surprising because he hails from a farm state, where there are plenty of actual farms he could take care of.”
In other news, an intelligence source downplayed the capture of the Taliban’s No. 2, stating, “It sounds like a big deal until you remember that our No. 2 is Biden.”
Elsewhere, a New York Times reporter accused of plagiarism commented on the scandal, calling it “the best of times and the worst of times.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
© 2010 Creators Syndicate