Fake news by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON—Concerned that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak did not receive his message to begin a peaceful transition to democratic reforms, President Barack Obama said today that he would resend the message, “but this time in all caps.”
Obama said that while he hoped sending a capitalized version of the message would be effective, “we have a variety of other options at our disposal, including resending it in bold.”
In the days since it became clear that Mubarak did not receive the White House’s initial message, Obama has been huddling with advisers to discuss a range of more drastic options, including changing the message’s font altogether. “We are fully prepared to go to a stronger font if that will help make our point to Mubarak,” said one aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Right now every font is on the table except Comic Sans.”
On the Republican side, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said that she would refrain from commenting on the situation in Egypt until she learned how to pronounce “Mubarak.” Meanwhile, at the National Prayer Breakfast, Speaker of the House John Boehner, R-Ohio, led all Americans in praying that they never need health care.
World Cannot Believe Mubarak Hasn’t Freaking Left Yet
CAIRO—As protests in Egypt enter their second week, the consensus in diplomatic circles is disbelief that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has not freaking left yet.
Around the world, diplomats spoke openly about Mubarak, often in language reserved for WikiLeaks cables, underlining the prevailing opinion that Mubarak is behaving like a ginormous prick. “Hosni Mubarak is acting like an in-law who’s stayed too long and can’t take a hint,” said the usually reserved U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “I have no idea why he’s still freaking there, other than to be an epic douche.”
Even President Barack Obama, renowned for his careful choice of words, seemed to be losing patience with Mubarak: “I never thought I’d say this about someone, but Hosni Mubarak is an even bigger jackass than Kanye.”
In a sign that the U.S. may be trying to send a clear message to Mubarak, today the State Department dispatched Donald Trump to Egypt.
As people once again filled the streets of Cairo, Fox News said that it could not estimate the crowd size “until we know how many of them are Democrats.”
Meanwhile, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer said that as the crisis deepens in Egypt, “Stay tuned to CNN for up-to-the-minute reports about Charlie Sheen.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”
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