By Andy Borowitz
Crisscrossing the nation in her quest for the 2008 Democratic nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., today unveiled new state-of-the-art software that will enable voters to customize her positions on a host of issues.
Dubbed “Hillary 8.0,” the software will be handed out free at all of Sen. Clinton’s campaign rallies and could provide the technological advantage she needs to sew up her party’s nod.
At a rally in Chicago, campaign workers handed out the software disks to supporters while Sen. Clinton told the crowd, “Hillary 8.0 means victory for Hillary in ‘08.”
The New York senator told her supporters that the new software “will make me the very best Hillary you want me to be, whatever that happens to be.”
The software, compatible for both Mac and PC users, allows potential Hillary voters to configure their very own version of Sen. Clinton, choosing from over 57,000 positions on a variety of issues ranging from healthcare to immigration to the war in Iraq.
But according to one early user of the software, Tracy Klujian, 26, Hillary 8.0 is not without technological glitches.
“I tried to download the software and my computer crashed,” Mr. Klujian said. “I didn’t have enough available memory to store all of those positions.”
But according to one campaign aide, even that tech problem could ultimately redound to Sen. Clinton’s advantage: “The average American doesn’t have enough memory, and that’s exactly what Hillary’s counting on.”
Elsewhere, supermodel Naomi Campbell completed her community-service stint as a garbage collector, picking up a cell phone from the street and hurling it at a passing housekeeper.