Fake news by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON—In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim.
Differences over his religious orientation have been a sore point between the president and his Republican foes for the past two years, but in agreeing that he is a Muslim, Obama is sending a clear signal that he is trying to find consensus. “The American people do not want to see us fighting in Washington,” Obama told reporters at the White House. “They want to see us working together to improve their lives, and Allah willing, we will.”
But Obama’s willingness to back down on his claim of being a Christian does not seem to have satisfied his Republican opposition, as GOP leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, today insisted that the president must also agree that he was born in Kenya. While Obama did not immediately agree to Boehner’s demand, he hinted that yet another compromise might be in the offing: “My place of birth has been, and will always be, negotiable.”
White House sources indicated today that the president might be willing to meet the GOP halfway on his birthplace and say that he was born in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
Elsewhere, moments after his capture in London, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, “I knew I shouldn’t have signed up for Foursquare.”
Wealthiest .0000001 Percent Hail Tax Deal
President Obama’s deal to extend the Bush tax cuts for the rich drew rave reviews today from the wealthiest .0000001 percent of Americans, who pronounced the deal “a total home run.”
“When we first heard about the deal, we were like, this is too good to be true,” said multibillionaire Thurston Howell IV, a spokesman for the richest .0000001 percent. “But when our butlers read the plan aloud to us during the cocktail hour, we were incredibly stoked.”
The 29 plutocrats who make up the nation’s wealthiest .0000001 percent were at their annual meeting at Howell’s villa in Geneva, Switzerland, when news of the president’s deal was first released. “Bill Gates and Warren Buffett were the first to hear about it, and then the news just kind of trickled down, if I may use a favorite phrase of ours,” Howell said. “The president deserves credit for recognizing what the wealthiest .0000001 percent have known for years,” he added. “Our cost of living has soared astronomically, especially when you consider how expensive it’s gotten to control the outcome of elections.”
In response to critics who have said that Obama’s decision to extend the tax cuts represents a change in his position, Howell said, “If I may coin a phrase, that’s change I can believe in.”
Elsewhere, to commemorate Pearl Harbor, Republicans attacked someone from Hawaii and won.
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2010 Creators Syndicate