Satire by Andy Borowitz
Editor’s note: Although Roy Ashburn is a real state senator who really was arrested on a DUI charge after allegedly being at a gay club, in this column Borowitz takes the liberty of manufacturing a set of quotations for satire’s sake.
SACRAMENTO—Anti-gay California state Sen. Roy Ashburn today demanded a sweeping recall of the vehicle that drove him to a gay nightclub last week. Ashburn, a Republican who has consistently voted for anti-gay legislation, said that the car drove him to the club “against my will.”
“If we are recalling cars for problems with their brakes and power steering, then surely we should be recalling vehicles that force their drivers to go to gay nightclubs,” Ashburn said.
The senator said not only did the car drive him to the gay nightclub, but it forced him to enter the club and party there for hours, resulting in his later arrest for DUI. “I can’t tell you what a menace this car is,” he said. “It really is the gayest car I’ve ever seen.”
In addition to calling for a recall of the gay car, Ashburn said he would sponsor legislation mandating that all California vehicles be fitted not only with GPS but also gaydar.
In other news, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin offered this appraisal of her standup comedy performance on “The Tonight Show”: “I was like, I’m not going to quit my day job, but then I remembered I already did.”
Obama to GOP: I Will Quit Smoking if You Will Quit Being Dicks; Republicans’ Habit Harder to Break, Experts Say
WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama today threw down a new gauntlet in the battle over health care reform, telling his Republican opponents, “Here’s the deal: I will quit smoking if you will quit being dicks.”
While most political observers expected the GOP leadership to reject the president’s offer out of hand, House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, suggested that he and other top Republicans would “take seriously” Obama’s challenge to cease their dick-like behavior.
“We want what’s best for the American people,” Boehner said. “If that means making a supreme sacrifice, which stopping being dicks definitely would be, we will certainly consider that.”
But according to Dr. Davis Logsdon, who studies addictive dick-like habits at the University of Minnesota Medical School, it may be easier for Obama to quit smoking than for congressional Republicans to stop being such dicks. “Dickiness is one of the most stubborn addictions out there,” he said. “Medical science has yet to invent an effective dick patch.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2010 Creators Syndicate