Fake news by Andy Borowitz
WILMINGTON, Del.—In a performance guaranteed to raise some eyebrows in Delaware and beyond, tea party candidate Christine O’Donnell said at a senatorial debate last night that she strongly supports “the separation of speech and thought.”
“To tell you the truth, I don’t know if there’s anything about that in the Constitution,” she added. “In the version of the Constitution that I read, Big Bird didn’t mention it.”
O’Donnell seemed stumped when the moderator asked whether there were any Supreme Court decisions she disagreed with, finally blurting out, “Ali v. Frazier.” Her halting answers to many of the questions made some wonder why she had not written answers on her hand as her role model, Sarah Palin, has been known to do, but O’Donnell offered this explanation: “As you know, I believe it’s immoral to use your hand to help yourself.”
At the conclusion of the debate, O’Donnell pronounced herself pleased with her performance, saying that she would spend the next week concentrating on her Halloween costume: “I’m going as a qualified candidate.”
Elsewhere, the Texas Rangers advanced to the World Series, proving that once George W. Bush goes away, things get better.
Most Powerful Man in America Meets With Obama
NEW YORK—In an extraordinary edition of “The Daily Show” guaranteed to dominate the headlines for days, the most powerful man in America met Wednesday with Barack Obama.
While the most powerful man’s decision to set aside 30 minutes for a sitting president carried with it risks for both men, each could lay claim to some measure of victory the morning after, says professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “Just to be seen on the same stage as the country’s most powerful man is a win for Obama,” Logsdon says. “It definitely lifts him up a notch.”
Conversely, the most powerful man in America had something to gain by giving the president so much of his time: “By reaching out to Obama, he’s perceived as caring about those less fortunate.”
But for the nation’s most powerful man, “it took some guts” to go toe-to-toe with a polished comedian like Obama, who has gotten big laughs in such venues as the White House Correspondents Dinner. “What you don’t want to wind up doing is being Obama’s straight man for half an hour,” Logsdon says. “Fortunately, that didn’t happen.”
While the consensus seems to be that the most powerful man in America handled his half-hour with Obama with his usual aplomb, critics are already saying that he shouldn’t have wasted his time with such trivial distractions. “He had an important rally coming up Saturday,” Logsdon says. “With the future of the country resting solely on his shoulders, does he really want to be seen laughing it up for half an hour with a politician?”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2010 Creators Syndicate