Fake news by Andy Borowitz
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — The Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in Sunday’s broadcast of his “700 Club” program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast “to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay.”
Explaining his theory, Robertson said, “Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two.” Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area “so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur.”
As for the millions of straight people in New York City who were also grounded by the bad weather, the televangelist said, “I think God probably wonders: If these people are really straight, then what are they doing in New York?”
In other blizzard-related news, the National Weather Service offered this update: “It’s as white as a Glenn Beck rally out there.”
Winter Weather Expected to Dominate Conversations of Boring People
Tedious observations about the severe winter weather are expected to dominate the conversations of uninteresting people for the next 24 to 48 hours, boredom experts warned Sunday.
With blizzard conditions blanketing the Northeast, a powerful front of mind-numbing weather-related banter is expected to pound the Eastern Seaboard from Sunday into Monday, with statements of the obvious stretching from the Carolinas to New England.
“Blizzards like this are when boring people really come alive, unfortunately,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota’s Meteorology Institute. “I would advise everyone to stay inside and avoid all contact with dull individuals unless it’s an absolute emergency.”
Tracy Klugian, 57, a prominent bore from Cincinnati, said that she planned to take a break from her scrapbooking hobby to post Facebook updates about the weather on an hourly basis.
“I live for days like this,” said Klugian. “I’ve already said ‘so much for global warming’ 10 times today.” And Klugian said she was spending the afternoon calling friends and relatives “to ask if it’s cold enough for them.”
“I sure have a lot to say about this snow and everything,” she said. “I can’t wait until somebody picks up.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”
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