By Will Durst
WARREN BUFFET. World’s richest man can’t hurt, in case the campaign needs a loan. Or the country.
JAMES EARL JONES. The most trusted voice in show business.
DAN QUAYLE. Knows the drill.
ED McMAHON. Knows the drill and he knows the intro: “Here’s Joohhhnyyyyyy.”
RONALD REAGAN. Quit pussyfooting around. It’s what the base wants. Who cares if he’s dead? How much less animated is that from second term?
JEB BUSH. Ups the Bush streak to seven of last eight GOP tickets.
JOE LIEBERMAN. Invests campaign with bipartisan spin. Also returns “Joementum” to national lexicon.
KAY BAILEY HUTCHISON. Takes “woman” thing out of play.
CINDY McCAIN. Takes “woman” thing out of play, and keeps it in the family.
COLIN POWELL. Takes “black” thing out of play.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE. Takes “woman” and “black” things out of play.
GEORGE CLOONEY. Takes “woman” thing out of play.
JOAN RIVERS. Takes “old” thing out of play. “Woman” thing still in play.
LARRY KING. Takes “old” and “woman” things out of play.
ANDY ROONEY. Really takes “old” thing out of play. No, really.
ALAN GREENSPAN. Wasn’t everything a whole lot better when he was in charge? And takes “old” thing out of play.
MARY CHENEY. Takes “lesbian” and “unwed mother” things out of play.
DICK CHENEY. What the hell. Something to be said for continuity.
FRED THOMPSON. Throws a bone to the conservative wing and makes candidate appear vibrant.
REGIS PHILBIN. A touch of Hollywood. Old Hollywood, but Hollywood nonetheless.
MIKE HUCKABEE. Plays popular former governor of Arkansas card.
RUDY GIULIANI. Sop to huge pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control wing of the GOP. Not to mention New York.
HILLARY CLINTON. Wants it so bad she’d cross the aisle for death-watch slot.
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG. Independents? You want independents? We got your independents right here.
MIA HAMM. Soccer moms? You want soccer moms? We got your soccer moms right here.
DALE EARNHARDT JR. NASCAR dads? You want NASCAR dads? We got your NASCAR dads right here.
RON PAUL. Two words. Texas Dammit.
TOM CRUISE. Scientologists are to Republicans what vegans are to hippies.
ADM. STOCKDALE. Because America loves second chances.
CHUCK NORRIS. Locks down Huckabee contingent and firms up “Total Kick Ass” presidential ticket.
ELIOT SPITZER. Because America loves second chances.
THE VERIZON “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW” GUY. Brings huge network with him.
PAT ROBERTSON. You want to suck up to the Christian right. Then suck up to the Christian right.
MITT ROMNEY. Just to exploit the incredible chemistry between the two.
CHER. Campaign will never suffer from lack of wigs.
BRETT FAVRE. Terrific name recognition. Needs a job. Sews up Wisconsin and Mississippi.
JOHN MADDEN. Who doesn’t love John Madden? Brings total telestrator dominance to ticket.
KIEFER SUTHERLAND. What right-winger doesn’t love Jack Bauer? Torture question becomes moot.
TED WILLIAMS’ HEAD. Future focused. Travel costs slashed. Low maintenance.
RUSH LIMBAUGH. If you can’t beat them, conjoin them.
WILLIE NELSON. You have any idea what percentage of this country smokes pot?
SNOOP DOG. Puts the shasizzle back in the campaignizzle.
STEPHEN HAWKING. Not American-born. But who would quibble with smartest man in the world?
DONALD TRUMP. Makes everyone look humanoid in comparison.
SONNY VAN BULOW. Like Terry Shiavo, only alive. And rich.
KARL ROVE. Assassination insurance.
DONALD RUMSFELD. See Karl Rove.
NEWT GINGRICH. See Karl Rove.
JACK KEVORKIAN. Looking to enter politics and makes top of the ticket lovable and youthful and animated. Also, see Karl Rove.
G. GORDON LIDDY. Because there comes a time when every president needs a human firewall.
Will Durst is a comic, radio talk show host and author of the book “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” available from Ulysses Press on May 1.