By Andy Borowitz
In a special Thanksgiving radio address broadcast from the White House, President George W. Bush asked his fellow Americans to join him in giving thanks for the following things:
“My fellow Americans, let’s be thankful for global warming, because as these winter months approach, it makes the world such a nice, toasty place.
“Let’s be thankful for all of the food on our tables, unless some of it is from China.
“Let’s be thankful that Pakistan will have free and fair elections, and maybe someday we will, too.
“Let’s be thankful for the iPhone, except for those losers who actually paid full price for it.
“Let’s be grateful that I didn’t take out a subprime mortgage on the White House like Mr. Cheney told me to.
“Let’s be thankful that nuclear weapons haven’t fallen into the hands of the wrong people, like Nancy Pelosi or Rosie O’Donnell.
“Let’s be thankful that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert’s writers are on strike, and hopefully will stay that way for the rest of my term in office.
“Let’s be thankful that even though my approval numbers are falling, they’re still higher than my grades at Yale.
“Let’s be thankful for Guitar Hero III, which really helps you get through those long Cabinet meetings when they’re going on and on about the economy.
“Let’s be thankful that our military commanders have nothing bad to say about the war in Iraq until after they’re retired.
“Let’s be thankful that in nine months it will be August, and then I can go on summer vacation again.
“And finally, my fellow Americans, let’s be thankful that even though Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I’m still a lock for the Nobel War Prize.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2007 Creators Syndicate Inc.