Hillary’s Unassailable Strategy
Posted on Nov 4, 2007
By Andy Borowitz
In what some observers are calling a strategic masterstroke to avoid missteps in her quest for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton will spend the rest of her campaign encased in a soundproof glass box, aides confirmed today.
The decision to surround the New York senator with one-inch-thick walls of soundproof glass struck many Democratic insiders as a sign of just how risk-averse the Clinton campaign has become.
But with Clinton leading all of her rivals by a formidable margin, campaigning inside a soundproof box could be the surest way to protect her front-runner status down the homestretch, aides believe.
Clinton’s soundproof box made its debut last week at a candidates’ forum in Davenport, Iowa, where she was seemingly impervious to the attacks of her closest rival, Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill. After Obama excoriated her for voting to authorize the war in Iraq, Clinton merely smiled and mouthed the words “I can’t hear you.”
Clinton aides also confirmed after the debate that the senator’s face would be shot up with Botox to freeze her features in the most inoffensive expression possible for the remainder of the campaign.
Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, says that Clinton’s Botox strategy could prove whether a totally lifeless, emotionless candidate can win the White House.
“It didn’t work for Kerry,” he says.
Elsewhere, a new survey from the American Psychological Association shows that one out of three adults feels extreme stress, especially after taking a survey from the American Psychological Association.
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”
© 2007 Creators Syndicate