The Global War on Toddlerism

By Andy Borowitz

Fresh on the heels of its reality show “Kid Nation,” in which children are sent to perform hard labor on a ranch with no adult supervision, CBS announced today that it is readying a reality show in which children will be sent to the federal detention camp at Guantanamo.

The new program, called “Kid Detention,” is expected to be ready for broadcast in time for November sweeps, with the following promotional slogan: “One detention camp. Forty kids. No lawyers.”

CBS said that filming would begin as soon as 40 children are “randomly rounded up.”

Within hours of its announcement, CBS found itself under fire from the organization Amnesty International, which warned of possible human rights violations if the children are sent to Guantanamo.

In an attempt to rebuff such criticism, CBS spokesperson Carol Foyler told reporters, “Nothing worse is going to happen to those kids than if they were on ‘Two and a Half Men.’ ”

Foyler also attempted to dismiss Amnesty International’s complaint that the kids at Guantanamo would not be permitted to have lawyers.

“We want to re-create the experience of being detainees, and of course that means no lawyers,” Foyler said. “Besides, just like the other detainees, these kids haven’t been charged with any crime.”

If “Kid Detention” takes off in the ratings as expected, Foyler said, the network will launch another series, “Kid Rendition,” in which the children are flown to Egypt for further questioning.

Elsewhere, after the president of Columbia University called him a “petty and cruel dictator,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denied the existence of Columbia University.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2007 Creators Syndicate Inc.