By Andy Borowitz
Al-Qaida terror mastermind Osama bin Laden delivered his annual State of the Jihad address last night and immediately faced criticism that the speech was short on specifics and little more than a laundry list of vague threats.
Speaking from his cave in an undisclosed location in the mountainous region between Pakistan and Afghanistan, the world’s most wanted man began his address with an upbeat assessment of the global jihad against the infidels.
“Friends, terrorists, extremists and madmen,” Mr. bin Laden began. “The state of the jihad is strong.”
The al-Qaida leader’s 50-minute address was interrupted by applause at least 35 times, usually when Mr. bin Laden punctuated his remarks by saying, “Death to America.”
Mr. bin Laden sounded themes that were familiar to audiences of previous State of the Jihad addresses, such as his warning that “al-Qaida must become less dependent on foreign sources of chaos.”
As is his tradition, he also used the address to acknowledge several “heroes of the jihad,” including one terrorist, Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajir, who risked his life by pulling another terrorist out of the path of a charging donkey.
But the al-Qaida kingpin was in for some blistering criticism in the official response to the State of the Jihad address, which this year was delivered by opposition lunatic Hassan el-Medfaii.
“What we heard tonight was little more than ‘stay the course,’ ” said Mr. el-Medfaii. “As a madman, I had to ask, ‘Where’s the beef?’ ”
Elsewhere, Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., bowed out of the 2008 presidential race, stating, “I decided to run for president before I decided against it.”