By Andy Borowitz
Embattled actors Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson served notice to the entertainment industry that they intend to keep marching to the beat of a different drum by announcing today that they will build the first movie studio on the moon.
Industry insiders speculated that the actors’ decision to build the first lunar movie studio was motivated in part by their dwindling career options on the planet Earth.
“Tom Cruise just got dropped by Paramount for being too crazy, which in the movie business is really saying something,” said Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene. “And Mel Gibson can’t get arrested, except on the Pacific Coast Highway.”
But in a press conference at Cape Canaveral today, the two actors denied that the state of their earthly careers had caused them to shift their attention moonward, with Mr. Gibson telling reporters, “The great thing about the moon is that it isn’t controlled by one specific group of people, if you know what I mean.”
When a reporter noted that the moon has no people at all, Mr. Cruise became argumentative: “Who told you that? Psychiatrists? Brooke Shields? That is such a load of cr—!”
According to Mr. Schlantz, Mr. Cruise’s departure for the moon could result in the first public appearance of his daughter, Suri Cruise.
“Like Paramount, Suri has been trying to put some distance between herself and Tom,” he said. “If he leaves the planet, she’ll come out of hiding.”
Elsewhere, obesity increases one’s chances of premature death, according to a study published today in Duh magazine.
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Republican Playbook,” to be published in October. To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.