By Andy Borowitz
In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a 19-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.
At a press conference in Jacksonville, Fla., today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, “But then I turned on the TV.”
Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.
“I was happy at first, because I thought, well, good, ‘Saturday Night Live’ is still on, and that’s my favorite show,” he said. “Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House, and I became very depressed.”
After hearing the president field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit “couldn’t take it anymore.”
Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show “The Simple Life.”
“That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” he said. “I don’t want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that.”
Mr. Deloit’s doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: “Millions of other people would want the same thing.”
Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans’ wireless phones, explaining, “It’ll be easy, since we’re already on the line listening in.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website, www.creators.com.