Andy Borowitz: Iran Trying to Obtain Paris Hilton’s Album
Posted on Jun 3, 2006
By Andy Borowitz
One day after hotel heiress Paris Hilton announced that she is recording her debut album as a singer, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that his country was attempting to obtain an early copy of the record but claimed Iran would use it only for “peaceful purposes.”
For Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who this week has been attempting to engage Iran in a conversation about its nuclear program, the news that the Iranians were trying to obtain Ms. Hilton’s debut album was a serious foreign policy setback.
“We regard any attempt by Iran to obtain Paris Hilton’s album as a threat to the region, and we will not sit idly by while that happens,” Secretary Rice said at a press conference in Washington today.
But in an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, the ambassador from Great Britain warned that aerial photos taken by a spy satellite indicated that bootlegged copies of Paris Hilton’s album have already been smuggled into Iran and may be on the verge of being enriched and weaponized.
Mr. Annan said that if attached to the tip of a long-range missile, Paris Hilton’s new album could threaten not just the Middle East but parts of Europe as well.
“This is the most serious threat to world peace since North Korea obtained an early DVD of ‘Gigli,’ ” Mr. Annan said.
Elsewhere, one day after the Dixie Chicks’ latest album reached No. 1 on the pop and country charts, President Bush named all three members of the group to the Axis of Evil.
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.