May 18, 2013
A Satire: Serving the Nation, Republican-Style
Posted on Aug 8, 2011
This was obviously inexcusable since it meant that employers were deprived of the many young girls who, after undergoing costly training and building up valuable job experience, were lost to the household servant labor market forever.
“But this bill, by providing added incentives for small businesses to establish household servant leasing companies, will solve this problem,” Cantor said. “The contract signed by leased female servants will stipulate that, if impregnated by their employer, his sons or other relatives or friends, they will continue in service with another family up to the day they give birth, immediately give up the infant for adoption and return to service almost right away.”
Cantor also predicted that this approach would open up other “exciting possibilities” for small-business entrepreneurs. “We have already had discussions with a number of adoption agencies and orphanages about establishing a `cradle-to-grave career path’ for the many illegitimate children who will be given up for adoption, and other orphans,” he said. “They say that children trained from birth to obey, present a pleasant and upbeat appearance, and not only instantly respond to but anticipate their employers’ requests, will obviously be able to fetch top dollar in this growing market.”
Cantor also waxed enthusiastic about the potential for reaching global markets, and thus improving America’s balance of trade. “Businessmen with whom we have discussed this are extremely optimistic about the opportunities for penetrating upscale markets abroad, such as China, the United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia,” he said. “Our market research indicates that wealthy foreign elites see employing an American as a servant—or even better, adopting an American child for a lifetime of household service—as one of the ultimate status symbols. Maybe a GM car is no longer a status brand for members of princely Saudi families, but who says America can’t come back? The profit potential from these made-in-the-USA exports is truly awe inspiring.”
He added that those servants able to sing, dance, play music or otherwise entertain their employers and their guests would in many cases also be able to earn significant tips. He also noted that they would probably save most of their earnings because they would be on call to meet their employers’ needs at least six and a half days a week, and thus would have little opportunity to waste their money on frivolous pursuits. “An enterprising and frugal young person entering household service after high school or college should be easily able to save up enough money to marry another equally frugal member of the servant class by their mid to late 30s,” Cantor told reporters.
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, under fire for helping cause the crash of 2008, took the unusual step of appearing at the news conference. “I am here today to represent employers, who strongly support this legislation,” he began. “After years of being unfairly attacked for exporting U.S. capital abroad, our support for this bill clearly demonstrates that both the executives in my company and the entire financial sector are committed to creating stable jobs for American citizens right here at home.”
Like Cantor and Boehner, Blankfein stressed that household employment would be a growing sector for years to come. “It is not only senior executives like myself who have a growing need for servants as our bonuses grow and we purchase new and larger residences and yachts,” Blankfein said. “I, for example, have two married children who recently graduated college and are starting life on their own. They too will soon be looking for nannies, chauffeurs and gardeners. Why, I estimate that as a result of this bill within five years my family alone will provide decent jobs for more than 200 Americans. And I want to emphasize that I and other successful people welcome this opportunity to ‘give back’ to America for all it has done for us!”
Blankfein added that “I also hope this will stop once and for all the scurrilous attack on Wall Street for paying its executives ever-greater bonuses regardless of company performance. By using our bonuses to employ Americans, we will be clearly creating far more jobs than those who would increase our taxes to pay for government programs that create a culture of dependence.”
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