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Dear Royal Baby: We Americans Apologize for Our Revolution; Please Be Our Absolute Monarch

Posted on Jul 23, 2013
dutourdumonde /

By Juan Cole

(Page 2)

A lot of other things, like freedom of the press, freedom of speech and freedom of peaceable assembly, which seemed like a good idea in 1789, now seem really dangerous to us and we’ve started to agree with King George III about the undesirability of those liberties.  So we’re going to prosecute journalists for receiving classified information and publishing it, even if they weren’t the ones who took it from the government.  And we’re going to chase whistleblowers around the world and charge them with espionage even though they only revealed their information to the American people.  So that pretty much wraps up freedom of speech and the press.  We don’t allow freedom of assembly any more.  We’ve privatized all the places you could have a public protest, so all protests are actually a form of trespassing.  If anyone tries to organize protests, even on behalf of clean water and air, we’ll have the FBI visit them.  And we’ll tap their phone.  So the   way your ancestor King George III did things is just fine with us now. In fact, we think he was kind of a wuss and are hoping you’ll take a firmer hand.

Our foolish forebears minded the torture and cruel and unusual punishments imposed by King George III.  But we have gone back to torturing people (though we do it at black sites). We also execute people via drone without due process.  We hold people without charge or trial at Guantanamo and force-feed them.  We put Bradley Manning in solitary for a year, kept him naked and chained, and woke him up several times a night for months in a row.  Your royal ancestors knew all about isolating people in Towers or using sleep deprivation tactics, so you’ll one day understand what I’m saying here. 

I could go on and on about how misguided that whole 1776 thing was, and how we’ve now given up almost everything it was originally about.  We really were mean to your great great etc. grandfather.  We didn’t understand that he did what he did to keep us and the empire safe.  The empire, as you’ll one day understand, always comes first. 

So, you know, take your time.  You’ll want to be able to walk and say a few words.  Get potty-trained ( though that isn’t really a prerequisite for our politicians). But as soon as you can, we’d like you to become monarch of the United Kingdom of the American States and rule us as an absolute monarch.  You won’t understand yet, but there are also these black leather “toys” we’d like you to use on us, now that we’re so past those absurd “liberties.” 


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Besides, we’re the ones who are really excited by the royals, so why not just admit that we are not republicans any more?

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